Lane's Blog-O-Gripes

The best things in life are free...

2010-05-06T15:49:00.000-07:00

...perhaps. But so are some of the worst.

I give you exhibit A, one of the more laughable letters I've ever received which arrived in the mailbox the other day from Provo's local newspaper, the Daily Herald. I opened the letter and unfolded the piece of paper inside which proudly proclaimed in a big, bold, fancy font:

FREE

SUNDAY

Die die die

2010-04-27T14:50:00.001-07:00

Die die die die die die!!

May you DIE in a heinous fiery car wreck the likes of which no amount of cheap insurance could ever fix! Progressive ads make me pine for the old Geico ads...and that's sayin' something! :)

HP. Gouge. Err, Invent.

2010-04-25T20:38:00.002-07:00

I just saw an HP commercial on TV that said "ink" and "a great bargain" in the same sentence. After I cleaned up the Diet Mtn. Dew that I spewed all over my coffee table, I couldn't fire up this blog fast enough.

HP. Ink. Bargain. Bwahahahahahahaa.

I've had the painful misfortune of dropping $35ish for one crappy little HP black ink cartridge a few times. That's JUST the black...the color cartridge is as much or more. And then it prints nicely for about 5 pages before the cartridge clogs and the dreaded missing lines begin to appear. Apparently HP puts a coagulating agent in their ink as a nice little "screw you" after the initial gouging.

I just don't print stuff anymore. It's not worth it. There's probably an 1/8" of dust on my vintage (that is, ugly) HP inkjet printer. Turns out it's less painful to just memorize pages and pages of stuff than it is to try to legibly print them.

Thanks, HP!

Dear ABC,

2010-03-30T21:30:00.003-07:00

Because you decided to put that ginormous, I-want-to-put-my-foot-through-the-television-screen annoying red "V" logo with the equally annoying and distracting countdown timer during the entire episode of LOST tonight, I will never ever ever EVER watch V. Ever. You suck. And I liked the original V back in the 80's, too.

Love,

Lane

Lane Pollock just de-linted his bellybutton. Now he will gripe.

2010-01-19T12:13:00.010-07:00

I'm not really a facebook guy. Mostly I find it to be a monumental time-waster filled with the the mind-numbing drivel of narcissists and trolls. But, that said, I do occasionally fire it up to see if people I actually care about have posted any interesting pictures or said something clever. Oh, and is it me or is the bubonic-caliber PLAGUE of facebook quizzes finally over? I never got to spam-blast everyone from high school, whom I haven't talked to in 15 years, which Care Bear I would be. Dangit!!

But the intent of my post is to talk about "that guy". You know the one, he (or she) is an acquaintance, you guess. Maybe you knew him from high school, an old job. You don't give two hoots in hell whether or not he is even alive, let alone what he had for breakfast, but...he requested you add him as a friend...you sort of knew him, whatever. (click) Sweet, look at my soaring friend count!

This ill-advised move comes at a price, though, my friends. MOST facebook users, in my experience, are like me. You forget how little anyone cared about your last bi-monthly status update, and so you bust off another, are quickly reminded anew of said indifference, and go do something more productive. Like, I don't know...a dozen rounds of mahjong or maybe a nap. But not "that guy".

You know how you pick up a big, gnarly, chocolate-chip-riddled cookie all in chocolatey-bliss anticipation, take a bite, start chewing, and then to your horror you realize that they are not chocolate chips at all, but nasty freaking raisins? Yeah, it sucks. Well, that guy's incessant status updates and onslaught of retardo-posts are to your facebook news feed as nasty freaking raisins are to the cookie. Shut up, SHUT UP. Oh my heck (Utah roots), for the love, SHUT THE FREAK UP!! Get out of my cookie!

There is a happy ending to this sad tale, however. The greatest creation in the history of facebook is, far and away and without question, the "hide" button. Imagine a button, the simple pressing of which instantaneously transforms all those nasty raisins into chocolatey goodness. In terms of your newsfeed, this is exactly what the hide button does. It is seriously the most amazing feeling firing up the sanitized version of your news feed the first several times. And the longer you've endured "that guy", the more amazing it feels. It's almost worth not hiding him for longer just to experience the more intense amazingness!

Hooray for the hide button! Now if I could only make heads or tails out of how facebook chooses what to actually put in my news feed...a monkey throwing darts, perhaps?

The Truth...sort of.

2009-11-19T09:36:00.006-07:00

You perhaps have seen one of these "Dear Me" anti-smoking TV commercials that have been running lately:

You know, with the poor addicted smoker guy (or gal) who write themselves a letter about how much smoking has jacked up their lives and how disgusting they've become, etc., and which at the end declares that "no one can make me quit but me."

That is the key phrase, right there...no one can make me quit but me. Only ME. Back off, would be helpers, I'm flying Han Solo in this endeavor!

So, am I the only one who finds it ironic that at the END of the commercial they throw up a screen which reads "Get coaching from someone who can HELP. 1-800-QUIT-NOW."?

"Here's your U.S. Prime beef, ma'am." "Yes, but is it Angus??"

2009-09-16T12:40:00.006-07:00

Introducing new ANGUS Third Pounders at McDonald's!

These bad boys aren't made of just any ol' type of beef...oh no. These are made with Angus, baby. ANGUS ANGUS ANGUS! Notice the word in the ad with the largest font. That's right...

ANGUS!!!

Right about now you may be asking yourself, just as I have...what in the world makes Angus so special, anyway? What IS Angus? According to Wikipedia, the bullet-proof authority of everything:

"Angus cattle is a term that refers to two Scottish breeds of cattle. Black Angus refers to the predominant colouring amongst the original Scottish Aberdeen Angus population. Aberdeen Angus is the original name of the breed, which was developed in Scotland from cattle native to the counties Aberdeenshire and Angus.

During the latter part of 2003 and the early part of 2004, the American fast food industry assisted in a public relations campaign to promote the supposedly superior quality of beef produced from Angus cattle ('Angus beef')."

So in other words...it's just a type of cow of "supposedly superior quality". From Scotland. Angus is just the name of a stupid county in Scotland. It would be analogous to plucking a few bovine beauties from over yonder in Roosevelt and touting them in Europe as 100% Grade-A DUCHESNE beef! Not that Aberdeen Angus crap you can get at the local market. DUCHESNE!! Oh yeah.

Methinks we are being duped by McDonald's and the boys. Hitler's right hand man, Joseph Goebbels, said that "If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it." Am I comparing McDonald's to Nazi's? Yes. :) No, I'm not. What I AM saying, however, is all you really need to know about Angus beef...sweet, sweet Angus beef...is that you can GET it at McDonald's.

I wrote this...today.

2008-02-02T16:47:00.001-07:00

Sometimes people use words in a sentence that are entirely unnecessary. For example...pretend for a moment that you are at a concession stand, the person behind the counter has just given you what you ordered, and then you hear:

"Would you like any candy today?"

Would I like any candy...today? What?? Do I have the option to put some candy on layaway, and then pick it up during the next event or something?

"Yes, I'd like a large popcorn and medium Diet Coke today, some Red Vines tomorrow...oh, and package of Sour Patch Kids and a box of Milk Duds for...say...next Wednesday, please. Would you like me to pay for this today?"

Pavlov's Audience

2007-12-17T23:44:00.000-07:00

What is it about people and their absolute inability to refrain, and with arrogant disregard for etiquette, from inserting those asinine, otherwise-classic-song-destroying, the-desire-to-gouge-out-my-own-eyeballs inducing lines inbetween the phrases of the Christmas song Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

You know what I'm talking about. All the Monopoly and Columbus and light bulb nonsense.

I'm at the SCERA in Orem's production of Plaid Tidings last night, an onstage musical with Christmas songs. And in a moment freakishly reminiscent of Pavlov and his dogs, once the singer on stage busted out that first stanza, all politeness, decency, and consideration went right out the door, and raw instinct took over for these people. And not just kids. Oh no. The inner "special child" in a handful of adults reared its ugly head as well, last night.

Unbelievable. I honestly was floored. I had just witnessed a faux pas double whammy that made me ashamed of my own hometown. About the only way you could possibly be more rude to the other members of the paying audience, not to mention the actors, than by making unsolicited noises mid-production, would be to make these particular noises. What the hell is the matter with people??

Now, if I just happened to have a time machine, and I just happened to go back, say, 10 min. before the originator gave birth to these lyrical abominations, and I just happened to have the crosshairs of a sniper-rifle positioned directly over his skull...I have to be honest...I think I'd waver just a little before deciding to not pull the trigger. :)

The Official Automobile of Utah

2007-11-30T09:29:00.000-07:00

I've been dabbling lately in mathematical theory. Specifically, devising formulae which describe Utah drivers and their corresponding automobiles. Here is my latest offering...

Anyone who's been driving on the freeway at night and had some (see above equation) drive up 6 inches from their back bumper with their exactly-eyeball-level 9 trillion candle power headlights scorching their retinas, knows exactly what I mean. :)

iAm iSick of iStuff

2007-11-26T17:42:00.000-07:00

I was browsing Amazon.com today for a car mounting kit for the new MP3 player I just bought when I came across the...

iGear iHolder for iPod

This rather unremarkable thing:

iGear iHolder for iPod? What?? I guess I just don't understand the iBastardization of perfectly good words in order to associate one's product with the iPod. Can't you just say "Designed for iPods"? Put a big picture of one on the package?

Unfortunately, I suspect that so long as the iPod is king there is no reprieve in sight. I can only imagine what will be next..."Not able to get to the end of your playlist without collapsing from fatigue? Introducing iFood. Yes, iFood. Fortified with special stamina-prolonging and hearing-enhancing supplements to maximize your iPod listening experience."

But why stop there? How about an Apple flavored iDrink to wash down your heaping bowl of iFood, together with a special iPod earbud-matching straw, aka the iSuck.

Etc., etc., ad iNauseam...

Left turn...left turn...left turn...

2007-11-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

I noticed today at my...favorite convenience store...that M&M's are now the official chocolate of NASCAR. Some sign that looked more or less like this:

Not that I much cared for M&M's in the first place, but you've just officially become the chocolate that I most hate. It's called guilty by association. By teaming up with NECKCAR, err, NASCAR, you have officially out-hicked candy the likes of jujubes, or the hoarhound. Misguided NASCAR-love is a fad that will (fingers crossed) someday pass. But my resentment for your selling-out, M&M's, is a flame that will burn eternally.

Except for the peanut butter ones. Damn, those are good! :)

I Love November 1st

2007-11-01T10:47:00.000-07:00

Ahh, November 1st. The air is cool and crisp, the sun is shining, and the freakery has retreated back into the dank hole from whence it came for another 11 months. Glorious!

Now, so you don't misunderstand...I don't hate Halloween, like I hate, say, people who torture kittens, or police officers who give me tickets for rolling through stop signs. If society hit the H-ween nonsense hard for like one week (you know, stringing up cobweb all over everything, going Jeffrey Dahmer on vegetables, etc.), I may even be totally down with it. Far be it from me to say what people should and shouldn't do.

BUT, there is an in-your-face threshold where things become annoyingly inescapable. Where simply choosing to ignore is no longer an option. Halloween blows through it like a 6-ton wrecking ball.

Then November 1st rolls around and in a borderline-miraculous instant, it all just vanishes into thin air. More impressive still than the month-long onslaught of paranormal poppycock is the swiftness with which it all just goes away. November 1st is like using your bathroom for the first time after a long overdue cleaning.

Hooray for Nov. 1! :)

Hello Shameless Opportunity, errr, Goodbuy

2007-10-19T14:07:00.000-07:00

C'mon Target. I thought you were the good, anti-Walmart. I guess not.

Women are dying of breast cancer. It's a terrible tragedy. So why not come down to your local neighborhood Target and pick up a shiny new set of Breast Cancer Awareness Instant Heat Rollers:

And while you're here, might as well pick up a Breast Cancer Awareness Body Fat Scale, now with special electro tumor-sensing capabilities:

Having some friends over for a Breast Cancer Awareness party? Why not make the night extra special by whipping up a batch of toast? Mmmm. We have the perfect tool for the job:

I think you see my point. :) And that's just the beginning:

Target BCA Stuff

Breast Cancer? Never heard of it...

2007-10-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

Enough with the breast cancer awareness already. I am now so acutely aware of this disease that I've begun examinations on myself...and I'm a dude.

Now before you start to go all belligerent on me for taking what is assuredly an unpopular stance, allow me to explain why I feel this way. I realize that it's a serious, deadly disease. And I think raising awareness, if it means early detection and/or prevention, ultimately is a good thing, regardless of the disease.

Where I take issue with this disease, however, is the grossly disproportionate attention it gets relative to other, equally or more deadly diseases. Breast cancer, you may not know, is actually not even the deadliest cancer in women. Lung cancer is. And heart disease kills more than all cancers combined.

But for some reason breast cancer gets its own month (October is breast cancer awareness month - of course it's virtually impossible that you're not already aware of this), its own ridiculously ubiquitous pink ribbon, and apparently now there is a matching pink Lance Armstrong "Live Strong" style bracelet as well. I'm watching the Patriots-Cowboys game yesterday, trying to have some strictly dude time, and who is sporting both of these pink accessories but every single last official on the field. What?? Why are we trying to raise "awareness" in NFL football fans anyway? Isn't the fact that one of the words in the disease's name is "breast" enough in the awareness raising dept. for that crowd?

So to summarize...breast cancer is bad. Awareness and prevention are good. All things pink all over the place all the !&%# time...well, that's just plain gripe-worthy. :)

Butter is fattening? I had no idea...

2007-10-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

In the news today: "Supermarket shoppers may soon be cruising the aisles with 'intelligent' shopping carts that warn them if they're buying too much junk food, technology experts say."

Article

(shaking head)

I don't really even need to comment on this, do I? No. But of course you know I will. :) What an outstanding example of using technology to better our lives. I can't wait for this thing's sister product, an "intelligent" device that you wear around your waist that warns you when you've consumed too much junk food. It utilizes the latest in ultra-high-tech, a device also commonly known as the tape measure. With tools of this caliber at our disposal, America's obesity problem should soon be a thing of the past.

"Bob, wow, you look great. It looks like you've lost 100 lbs...what's your secret?"

"It's this new shopping cart, it's amazing! Turns out three sticks of butter doused in ranch dressing, a quart of half & half, and a King Size Snickers bar is considered an unhealthy meal. Watch as I put them in the cart. (beep beep beep). Who knew?"

America's Next Karen Carpenter

2007-10-10T11:58:00.000-07:00

I'm at the gym waiting for a machine to open up. Finally one does, I hop on, and the girl next to me says, "I hope you don't mind watching 'girl stuff' for 5 min." The girl stuff she was referring to, apparently, was the show America's Next Top Model, on the always cerebral, two-failed-network-collaboration, aka The CW.

So I watch for awhile. I try not to judge a book by its cover. I like to...you know...skim the back cover, maybe a paragraph or two from the prologue, and then judge it. True to the girl's word, she left 5 min. later, and I turned the TV to something a little more...masculine: "Dancing with the Stars". :) J/K.

In any event, yes, it was only 5 min., but I gotta tell you...I don't get this Top Model thing AT ALL. I think I get model-hood in general. An ugly chick, after all, sells little by way of clothes and makeup. A blunt way of putting it, I suppose, but that's pretty much the gist of the industry. But where do these so-called top models fit into the equation? You've got this physical attractiveness spectrum, ranging from sweet spirit/Cinnabon frequenter to smokin' hot/anatomically correct, upon which you can place any given girl. It's elegant. It makes sense. But then, for some reason at the "hot" end of the spectrum they make this crazy, inexplicable turn and veer into a very bizarre place. What, exactly, is "top" about these models? I believe the term they like to use is "exotic", but to me...they're just weird looking. And when I say I like my women curvy, I ain't talking about the curve between every rib. For you He-Man fans out there, let me put it this way. Teela good. Skeletor...bad.

Here's a little taste from their official website:

What the crap is this all about?? :) Yeah baby, nothing screams "sexy" like biking shorts, grandma's orange afghan, big hair, raccoon makeup, and pretend rock-climbing. (wiping up drool) If only she were 20 lbs. lighter. A shame. Oh well there's always next season. ;)

Le Hideous

2007-10-05T14:00:00.000-07:00

I had this crazy dream the other night. I dreamt (this is proper usage, I looked it up) that a company actually commissioned me to design the ugliest, gaudiest, most obnoxiously amateur paint job for their fleet of passenger buses. So I obliged. And after several iterations of increasingly unsightly candidates, I finally settled on the ultimate in fugly. I give you...Le Bus!

"But Lane," you ask, "why on Earth would you create such a thing, and do you really expect people to pay to ride in it??" Relax...it was just a dream.

Oh wait, no it wasn't. :)

Come to Zion, Come to Zion

2007-09-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

Because it's a great place. It is THE place, despite what Brigham Young said, as far as I'm concerned. Which is what has compelled me to write this entry. There is about a 98% chance that you, loyal reader, also make the following mistake, so this entry probably will not be a popular one. But that's okay because something needs to be said...

Let's cut to the chase. It's not "Zion's National Park". Nor is it "Zion's". Zion ain't a person, and he doesn't own the park. IT'S JUST ZION.

Z I O N period.

But don't just take my word for it, take a good long gander at the actual park sign:

See the apostrophe and the "S" after Zion? Yeah, me neither. Now, that said, see if you can identify what's wrong with the following sentence:

"We're going to go on a National Park tour. We'll start at Yellowstone's, then hit the Grand Canyon's, Yosemite's, Bryce's, Capitol Reef's...and end at Zion's."

(choose your own adventure blog, ala those books way back in the day):

If you identified 5 errors please go to the beginning of this entry. If you identified 6, please continue to the follow paragraph.

Congratulations, your comprehension skills are most impressive. The End.

Bogie dumptruck! Incoming!!

2007-08-16T13:18:00.000-07:00

I want to know who it was that decided that "rolling through a stop sign" is a dangerous criminal offense which warrants police officer harassment (I've gotten a ticket for this before), but who also thinks that it's perfectly okay for uncovered dumptrucks with a small mountain's worth of gravel shrapnel and other deadly stone-like projectiles to go barrelling unrestricted down the freeway.

Why are they allowed to do this? There is such a hubbub made about the road-side bombings in Iraq, and yet you hear nothing about the dump-truck induced war zone in our very own backyard. Am I the only one who has been driving along I-15, minding my own business, when all of a sudden a virtual shotgun blast of dirt and rocks begins to pummel the front of my vehicle?

And of course Murphy's Law dictates that you're most likely to have one of these unpleasant encounters after the installation of that nice, pristine new windshield. :) Surely there is a law against this on the books somewhere. My prediction is that it's just a matter of time before a large enough chunk has just the right combination of momentum and shape to be able to penetrate the windshield safety glass and maim an otherwise innocent driver.

Then and only then will the gatling-gun rivaling freeway "nuisance" reach the criminal equivalent of the vile and wicked stop sign roll.

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night...

2007-07-25T13:59:00.000-07:00

...nor spell check, nor common sense, nor...

I took this picture today at the Post Office in East Bay in Provo with my phone camera (hence the kind of crappy quality - sorry):

Two things. First, I don't know what a "Guaranted Delivery" is, but I sure as hell ain't payin' no $16.25 for it. Oops, $16.25 is the starting price. I can only imagine how much you'd have to throw down for some "Nxt Daye" service. Our tax dollars at work, baby!

But wait! On further thought, it all makes total sense now. I guess I can forgive them one little typo. Think about it...the Post Office isn't just an expensive D.I. alternative to rid yourself of your annoying packages. They actually have a plan in place to deliver them to the address you wrote in bold letters on the front. In fact, they guarantee it!

How do UPS and FedEx compete with such mind-blowing performance?

The REAL Maverik Monster

2007-07-20T13:39:00.000-07:00

Maverik has this stupid ongoing promotion about some supposed monster running around doing I don't know what. This guy:

If a descendant of Bob Marley, Mr. Spock and Predator had a kid with Smurfette...and then you mixed in some wicked-cool shades, you'd have yourself something very close to Mav's monster. Now, I believe I go to the Maverik just about as often as anyone, and I've never seen it. I don't know anything about it, except that it won't seem to go away. Hey Maverik, what does your stupid fictional monster have to with my craving for a Jalapeño and Cheese Bahama Mama, or perhaps a $1.99 hoagie from Leopold's Deli with all the fixin's, anyway? I'll tell you what. Nothing.

But the Predasmurf is not even the point of this entry. :) You've got a monster alright, Maverik. It's that heinously disgusting place in the back you pass off for the men's restroom. Gross! GROSS!! And when I think a bathroom is gross, trust me you have a problem.

How does a bathroom even get like that? It seems like if you did absolutely nothing to it from the day that building was constructed, it still would only be half as bad as it currently is. I would venture to say there are some new compounds growing in there that science has yet to identify. How many bathrooms do you suppose there are where you actually increase the amount of bacteria on your person after attempting to wash your hands?

Sick!

But don't worry, North Springville Maverik. You keep putting those 12-packs of Diet. Dew in the cooler and I'll see ya in the morning. :)

A "Titanic" Oversight

2007-07-09T16:15:00.000-07:00

Every week, especially during the summer, you constantly hear in the news about how the latest blockbuster movie just broke a bunch of box-office records. They've made up some real doozies, too, just so they can report on them being broken. For example, "Movies that never hit #1", "Second Weekend", "Theater Drops", "Widest Indies", etc.

But that they have all these uninteresting stats they've made up to report on is not what bothers me. Nay, they can slice and dice, and then re-slice and report until the cows come home. What my gripe is this entry is their apparently cavalier attitude towards what I feel is a HUGE factor in all this movie money bean counting. And that is adjusting the totals for inflation. Or more accurately, neglecting to do so.

The studios must think that if they report a movie as having broken some money record, that will stir people up and instill in them the desire to go out and see it. You know, see what all the "fuss" is about. And they are probably right. But it doesn't change the fact that, over many decades of movies, this endless parade of new broken records is completely and totally meaningless when you don't adjust for inflation.

One way to think about it...a dollar was worth much more in, say, 1977 (the year Star Wars was released), than it is now. So to directly compare it with the dollars that Spiderman 3 just made, which is precisely what they do, is mathematically retarded. Put another way...think about what a movie ticket cost in 1977. Probably on the order of $2. The last movie I went to, 30 years later (2007), was $8. These poor older movies don't stand a chance.

The purported king of the movies, in terms of box office total, of course, is Titanic. But if you adjust for inflation, which you must do, Titanic places at a much less impressive 6th place, all time. Sorry Titanic, you lose! You're not even the king of 5th place, much less the world. :) All hail the true king of movie revenue, Gone with the Wind (1939), with an adjusted dollar total (2007) of no less than $1.3 billion dollars....compared to Titanic's paltry $844 million. And to round out the top 5, we have Star Wars at #2 ($1.17 billion), The Sound of Music at #3 ($937 million), E.T at #4 ($933 million), and The Ten Commandments at #5 ($861 million).

The next time you're listening to the entertainment news and they break out with "Spiderman 4 just broke the record for the most earned during a full moon in a spring month"...I want you to remember this post. :)

The Secret

2007-06-26T15:55:00.001-07:00

You've probably by now heard of...

Ooooh. The Secret. Sounds...secretive. Well gripe fans (fan?), I am here to demystify the secret for you. This thing (video and book) has started to pick up a lot of steam lately. But, I actually heard about it from some girl who was completely sold on it like a half year ago, and decided to download a free copy from my favorite bittorrent site, err, paid for a legitimate copy to stream and watch from their website.

Okay, I actually did download a free copy. Normally I wouldn't mention that, but it's kind of important to the point I am going to make with this entry.

Now, the purported secret in the video (spoiler warning) is that "hey, you can have anything in the world you want, you just need to think about wanting it hard enough and the universe is bound to magically provide it for you." Does that sound absolutely absurd? Yes it does. But that is pretty much the gist of this video, folks. They just spend 2 hours explaining the same thing in different ways and from different people. Oh, and they use fancy, ancient looking fonts and cool red seals and stuff. You know, to lend credibility to the absurdity.

And now, the actual secret. You've probably heard the saying "A fool and his money are soon parted". The secret of this whole thing is that the creator has taken said parting of fool and money to amazing new heights. The secret is that while people who watch and believe in this load of horse excrement's lives suck as bad as ever, probably more so with their new found lack of motivation to actually do anything, the author of "The Secret" is about to land their private jet on the new freaking island they just bought.

I applaud you, "The Secret" creator. Pure genius. Way to simultaneously harness people's laziness and greed for your own benefit. A dazzling performance, to say the least. My only gripe is that I didn't think of it first. :) J/K.

"Fortune Cookies"

2007-06-22T15:57:00.000-07:00

I'm a little bewildered by how an idea as bad as fortune cookies seems to never a) go away entirely, or at the very least b) evolve into something better.

Other than being sugary, and as such somewhat resembling dessert since they come at the end of the meal, they are lame in every way. They're not good to eat by any means. It's clear that the inventor's goal was to come up with the very simplest combination of "able to house a piece of paper" and "edible". That stale stick of gum that comes in a package of Topps baseball cards is like a bacon-wrapped fillet mignon in comparison.

And there's nothing fortune about what you'll find printed on the paper. A fortune implies some kind of prediction of the future. Instead you'll find phrases like "You are not illiterate." (Statement Cookie), or "You will obtain your goal if you maintain your course." (Conditional Cookie), or "Don't worry about money. The best things in life are free." (Advice Cookie).

I guess I would argue that "Fortune Cookie" is a misnomer in the very strongest sense of the word. These certainly are not cookies and they ain't tellin' any fortunes.

The concept of the f-cookie could, however, be salvaged. And I am here to tell you how. :) The no-brainer step 1, of course, is come up with a real cookie. A REAL cookie. Not some khaki-colored physics model of a 4 dimensional object. Pecan Sandies are good. I've been known to enjoy an E.L. Fudge on occasion. Oooh, I know! How about one a them Granny B mega-cookies with the delightfully thick and frothy pink frosting. Any of those would work. Lots of choices.

Step 2, mix in some bona fide fortunes. No more statements, advice, etc. Scrap all that boring, non-fortune crap. Now, I realize that the word fortune sort of implies good and beneficial. But it doesn't have to. And this is key. If all the fortunes that people got with their cookies were good fortunes then this idea wouldn't be much better than the current state of affairs. "Everyone's a winner." "I'm okay, you're okay." "Everyone gets a good fortune in their cookie." These mind-numbing PC crap notions are eating us from within. What needs to happen is they need to mix in some bad fortunes. Oh yeah. There needs to be winners, and there needs to be losers. It's human nature. Something like "An IRS agent will notice you used Arthur Andersen" or "That tumor in your head will metastasize within the week." You see how that works? Think about how much more meaning the good fortunes will have given the possibility of receiving bad ones.

Slap one of those into, say, a big gnarly white cholcolate macademia...now you've got a real fortune cookie. :)

Ahead of its Time

2007-06-06T16:15:00.000-07:00

With the so-called crossover vehicle craze in full swing, it's time for someone to stand up and give some credit where credit is due. Below you'll find the current Lexus RX 330. Ooooh, fancy huh? Personally I think they're hideous, but you see them all over the place.

Below the Lexus you'll find a circa 1980 AMC Eagle. More hideous still, yes, but you can't deny the uncanny resemblance. Make that bad boy silver, slap on some modern headlights and a fancy "L" logo in the grill...the Eagle would be selling like hotcakes right now. :) A car truly ahead of its time. Nice work AMC. Too bad you sucked so much in every other area that you are no longer with us. RIP.

10 O'clock News

2007-06-01T08:24:00.000-07:00

I got a couple beefs with local news broadcasts. I suppose the simplest solution would be to just not watch...but where's the fun in that? :)

Perhaps you've heard the term "if it bleeds, it leads"? Are we really such a bloodthirsty people that, of all the newsworthy stuff going on, this is what we want to see first? I mean, you get home from a stressful day, you're looking to unwind...what better way to relax than get a quick rundown of who got raped, murdered, and/or severely maimed that day in the area?

Also, I hate hate HATE those stupid gimmicky stories they come up with to try keep you watching to the bitter end of the broadcast. And they announce that it's "coming up next" just before every commercial break. Only, it never really does come up next, but rather is like a 10 second afterthought they throw in at the last possible second. Once in awhile I will actually get suckered by it, watch to the end, realize what a fool I've been and then fester about it, internally cursing those tricky marketing bastages for the next 48 to 72 hours. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

"Tonight on Eyewitness News. A family of 5, driving home from their Disneyland vacation and while singing 'The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round' are tragically killed when a misplaced orange construction barrel, apparently completely neglected for several weeks, caused the driver to swerve and lose control of the vehicle. The vehicle then rolled once and spontaneously combusted. The fiery vehicular inferno continued to roll down the freeway another 30 times into oncoming traffic, ejecting its charred occupants one at a time, until finally coming to a smoldering rest. There were no survivors.

Coming up after the break, a rare three-eyed kitten was born this morning in the Galapagos Islands. Stay tuned for exclusive photos."

But there is no mention of the freaky Galapagian feline after the break. Or after the next break. Or even the next. What ends up happening, of course, is that you get a 2 second glimpse of some lousy cell-phone camera picture just before they say goodnight and the news ends..."My, that certainly was bizarre. Well, thanks for tuning in to Eyewitness News at 10. Goodnight."

And in writing this, I just thought of something else I hate about watching the news. :) Every last commercial in-between the gore stories is for some kind of prescription drug or ailment remedy. Clearly the target audience is old people. Okay, that's it, I gotta cut back. I can feel a few grey hairs sprouting as I write. Maybe I'll become an "Access Hollywood" man for awhile and stockpile some new gripes about it. Until then...

We can make a difference! I mean it!

2007-05-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

It's "don't buy gas today" day. Yay! This is so going to work. Wait, why are there cars at all the pumps this morning at Maverik? I don't get it, it is such a good idea...

Oops, not it's not. :)

I've already done a gripe entry on this very topic, so I won't expound. But it's just fascinating to me how such a terrible idea has such amazing survival-power. It is the Madagascar Hissing Cockroach of ideas. No, it is the Tahitian Noni Juice of ideas. Anyone with an IQ over 20 knows it doesn't work, but there are just enough morons that buy into it to keep it around.

This is my meager attempt at a "The don't-buy-gas-for-one-day idea blows" campaign. Spread the word, people. Why, if you emailed 10 friends, and they emailed 10 friends, and then they turned right around and emailed 10 of their friends...everyone in the known universe would catch wind of this in like 15 min. If you don't understand the math it's okay, trust me I'm a mathematician. (note sarcasm)

Actually, I think I'm gonna go drive around the block 400 times. Whatever it takes to be able to fill up multiple times today. If it counters a simpleton's efforts to the contrary, and somehow helps to make this idea go away once and for all...well then it would have been worth it, despite the now hefty sum it takes to fill my rig. :)

Orange barrels are the DEVIL

2007-04-30T13:53:00.000-07:00

Tractors, cones, barrels, signs
And everything inbetween
Half of our streets are all FUBAR'd to hell
But nary a worker is seen

Pennies suck

2007-04-19T13:59:00.000-07:00

I hate pennies. Every time I see a penny sitting somewhere it shouldn't be I am faced with a dilemma. A penny is essentially a piece of garbage...but I can't bring myself to throw them away 'cause technically it's money. Who throws away money? (literally, I mean) Yes, I have a loose (notice the correct usage of the word "loose") change jar at home, but I don't even want to go through the effort of packing the stupid thing around 'cause I hate having any change anywhere on my person.

So, in short...pennies suck. Enough with the pennies. Quit making 'em!

How quickly we forget

2007-04-16T21:34:00.000-07:00

"Worst shooting massacre in U.S. history"

That's what I'm seeing printed all over the place (in reference to today's shooting at Virgina Tech). But how can they say that? I'm sure there are others, but the Mountain Meadows Massacre comes to mind right off, as an example of a more deadly shooting massacre in U.S. history. "Sources estimate that between 100 and 140 men, women and children were killed."

Nice work, media. Way to sensationalize a tragedy by printing this grossly inaccurate statement...most likely simply because the other guy did. Traffic, readers, and viewers apparently are more important than accuracy. I try to remember that whenever I watch the news or read the paper...

A Cornucopia of Gripes

2007-04-11T23:00:00.000-07:00

Gripe fans rejoice. I got three quickies that have been bugging me. I don't even know if there is such a thing as a gripe fan..but if you're out there, this is for you.

Gripe one: The workers at Gandolfos. Specifically the one by my house (800 N State St. in Orem). Gandolfos makes a nice sandwich. That is, when they don't load it up with that nasty cream cheese-like concoction. This, of course, can be easily avoided with careful sandwich selection...but that is a topic for another entry. What bothers me most is the complete and utter indifference the employees emanate towards you as you stand there, under the "Order Here" sign, in various states of hunger and/or haste. There is never anyone actually behind the counter when you arrive. They are all in the back "making sandwiches". And it's not like they don't see me. I usually make eye contact with 2 or 3 of them before someone finally takes upon them self the apparent chore of providing a little customer service. That is to say, their job. I can only imagine what is going through their minds as they are looking at me..."Hmm. There's some fidgety person under the 'Order Here' sign who has his wallet out and keeps looking at his watch...wonder what he wants?".

Oh silly me. They have a bell there. Clearly I should just ring it, right? Well, I've never been much of a bell ringer, to be honest, and I just don't see why my simple presence 2 feet from their point of sale isn't enough to spur them to action when they can see me. Perhaps they have a general Gandolfos loitering problem that I am unaware of...and hence company policy is that it takes both a body and a bell ring before service can be rendered?

And to add insult to injury...there is a freaking tips jar on the counter. A TIPS jar! I can't believe they have the audacity to place one of those bad boys there. A tip for what? Making my sandwich is what you get paid for. I guess it comes as no surprise there is only $1 ever in there when I look, probably placed there by a Gandolfos employee to "get the ball rolling".

Man oh man that place bugs. Maybe I'll try the Springville one close to my work...

Gripe two: Theater concession workers. Specifically the ones at the Provo Town Center, err, I mean, the Provoe Tonwe Centre. However it's spelled. :) If ever there were a minimum-wage making bunch, this is your group right here.

A typical encounter goes like this: "Yes, I'll take a small popcorn and a medium diet coke." "A large drink is only 25 cents more." "No thanks." "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure, if I drink a large one then I have to pee really bad before the end of the movie." If you explain the pee thing then you don't get asked a third time. A little trick I learned, as well as the truth. ;) "Would you like butter on your popcorn?" "Yes." (worker gets small popcorn bag, fills with popcorn, and then turns around...7 seconds has passed) "I'm sorry, did you say you wanted butter on your popcorn?" "Yes." (worker proceeds to pour butter onto the popcorn at the top of the bag in such a way as to maximize the likelihood that hot liquid oil butter will get all over at least one side of the bag) "Here you go. That will be...$35 (or whatever the ripoff price of the day is)".

What happens next has always been a mystery to me. The concession worker, rather than just politely hand you your stuff, or at the very least give it a little push across the counter closer to you, instead places your stuff on the counter next to himself. That is to say, the far side of the counter from your perspective. And then begins to look off into space and pretend that you never existed. What the? You then have to reach over and get the stuff yourself. Can someone please explain this behavior to me? If you're lucky you'll get a "enjoy your show". But the norm is the spaced ignore look. Bizarre. All I can say is they're dang lucky there are suckers like me that will not only put up with that, but pay a premium to do so. :) I have no excuse for myself...

Gripe three: People filling up their fountain drinks. I'm not sure what it is about soda dispensing fountains at restaurants that brings out this strange sense of pompous entitlement in otherwise polite, decent folks. You all know what I'm talking about. :) You've finished your meal, and you just want a quick half-cup refill before you take off. You waltz up to the fountain all in a hurry like, only to find some lady filling up not only her drink, but 6 other cups as well. There's more than enough room for both people to fill their drinks, with a little shuffling of bodies. But it doesn't go down like that. Oh no. She's set up camp, baby, right smack in the middle of the fountain, and she's boxing any attempt on your part to encroach. It doesn't matter that you've tested the waters, so to speak, by temporarily invading her personal space to let her know of your desire, in the off chance she'd do the proper thing and move over a little. It simply doesn't happen. So there you stand with nary a thing to do, parched and anxious, your buddies at the door ready to leave...and just wait.

But it gets better (worse). This lady is not satisfied until the empty cup space to ice volume ratio in every cup meets a most demanding measure of precision. And she'd sooner be damned straight to hell than let so much as a 1/16th of an inch of space from the brim of the cup to the start of the soda exist. And so the charade goes. Fill, wait for bubbles to disperse. Fill, wait for bubbles to disperse. Fill, wait for bubbles to disperse. Slowly put on lid and set cup aside. Repeat. Times 6.

AHHHH!!! Maddening. Just maddening. I think I'm losing it. :)

Whew, that felt good. Cross three more gripes off the list. Okay, I'm off to bed...

Anti-Mormon Nonsense

2007-03-30T16:16:00.000-07:00

I like to think I'm tolerant of other people's beliefs. It goes back to the ol' Golden Rule. I'll believe what I want to, you believe what you want to, let's not force our beliefs on each other and everybody wins.

So as the LDS general conference approaches and the corresponding spike in anti-Mormon propaganda, it just leaves me scratching my head a little bit as to what these people's motivation could possibly be. Take "too small shirt with bullhorn" guy, for example. Anyone who has taken the stroll to the Conference Center to attend a session knows just who I'm talking about. I guess what he's trying to say is "your religion is false, you're all going to hell". But whatever his message is, in whatever form he tries to deliver it, it completely escapes me. The only thing I think, in those precious few moments as I walk by, is "my man...it's uncanny how astronomically insignificant your life is." And then a split second later I am thinking about what's on the menu for dinner afterwards. :)

Basically my model of the belief spectrum goes like this...on one end you have people who believe good things. Next comes the people who believe bad things. And at the crap end you've got the people who only believe that what you believe are bad things...and for some inexplicable reason even take action on that belief. It's ludicrous.

Hey bullhorn guy...what are you doing?? What's the point? Life is too short for this. Go watch a sunset and play with a puppy. And get a shirt that fits for crying out loud...

Grand Canyon Skywalk

2007-03-20T22:20:00.000-07:00

When I first heard about this, and saw the artist's conception drawing of it, I thought, "Oh boy, what an ill-conceived, tourist-trappy, sellout idea." Well apparently they finished the monstrosity and had the grand opening ceremony yesterday. Here are a couple pictures, first the conception drawing, and then an actual photo of the finished product:

Is anyone surprised that the conception drawing, while still a horrible idea, at least makes an attempt to be at harmony with the environment, while the finished product looks like some kind of hastily constructed Evel Knievel publicity stunt, completely desecrating one of the most serene and beautiful places on earth, yea, even one of the 7 natural wonders of the world. Just shameful.

And what really gets my goat, is that while I think it's a bad idea from top to bottom, at least if it did end up looking like the conception drawing it would kind of be a trip standing on a platform that stuck that far out (relatively). But they didn't even accomplish that. The finished product looks like it sticks out maybe half as far. All that effort and hoopla and fanfare for what? This thing is overflowing with anticlimax.

And one more thing. :) Even if it did stick out as far as in the drawing, the view from the floor (it's got a glass floor so you can look down to the canyon bottom) could not possibly warrant the $75 they are asking for one measily stroll around it. I may be going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing the view of the canyon is not that different from the rim, and from 65 feet from the rim.

Nice work, Hualapai. Way to completely sell out. What happened to all the "the land is sacred" BS that we get force fed in the movies these days? I hope it never makes back its unbelievable $30 million pricetag and sends a message to other would-be sellouts...

2007-01-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

I fire up Yahoo this morning, and happen to notice the top overall searches for the day. And who do I find in the top 6, but the no-talent skank triumvirate of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan. I cannot, for the life of me, see what is so fascinating about these 3. There is no shortage of messed-up mildly attractive drunkard chicks running around. The only explanation I can come up with is it is a self-feeding frenzy, meaning, the more we see of them the more people WANT to see them...and the vicious cycle continues.

I, for one, couldn't be happier if I never saw or heard of any of them ever again. But there they were, in the top 6 most popular searches on the most popular website on the entire internet. There had to be an explanation. So I got thinking and I've come up with a theory, especially after I saw that the "WWE" also made the top 6.

I believe that we, as society, have totally messed up the fundamental evolutionary process of natural selection. For humans, that is. We have come up with so many ways to protect the stupid, e.g., seat belt laws, avalanche management, lifeguards, road closures, etc., that the "prone to off one's self" gene has been able to survive. Nay, has been able to flourish. And I believe this is the same gene that makes people like Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and crap like the WWE interesting to people. A few generations of this, a little exponential growth, and the next thing you know...look who winds up on the most popular search list.

Just a theory. :)

2007-01-02T13:23:00.000-07:00

I got another word misuse pet peeve. I heard this on a sports talk show today: "I wanted to root for my alumni." I also remember hearing on another show something to the effect of "He is an alumni of (such and such university)". Since when did "alumni" become the one correct catch-all word when talking about people and the school they attended?

No, you don't root for your alumni, that makes no sense. You're not hoping that anyone who has ever gone to a particular university is having success in whatever endeavor they are currently involved in at the moment. You root for your ALMA MATER. No, a given person is not an alumni of a school, they are an ALUMNUS (singular) of that school.

It's like saying "I am a big fans of the Jazz". It sounds stupid. Now stop it. :)

2006-12-06T12:03:00.000-07:00

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

We've all heard this. It sounds nice...almost inspirational. But with a little thought, you realize it's a pretty stupid phrase. To illustrate, I'll use one of my favorite debating techniques, the always handy proof-by-counterexample...

How about if someone smacks you upside the face as hard as they can with a boat paddle? Probably won't kill you. Did it make you stronger? I would argue that it did not, in any way, make you stronger. Probably just a lot of pain, a severely damaged relationship, and perhaps a permanent mark.

How about a nasty bout with Leukemia? One which devastates your system to the point of NEAR-death. Unlikely you would be chosen 1st for the tug-o-war team.

And finally...let's say you have SEVERE case of facial acne. Doesn't kill you. Maybe you've learned to deal with it and continue to live your life...maybe even hit the inspirational speaking circuit to tell your story. Oops, no one will book you, don't want to give people nightmares with your scary-looking grill.

Now, in fairness, I think that I get the gist of the phrase. I guess I just take issue with the absoluteness of its tone. More appropriate, I believe, would be "SOME things that don't kill you make you stronger". But how un-inspirational does that sound? :)

2006-11-27T17:08:00.000-07:00

BYU wins! BYU wins! That was a classic game in almost every sense. Nothing quite like winning a close one against your rival, and it doesn't get any more "down to the wire" than that. Makes me wish I'd been there. There is something about this rivalry, however, that bothers me...and that is what the media has apparently dubbed it, i.e., the Holy War.

The Holy War? What? Clearly BYU has a religious affiliation, but Utah? They're just a state school, the U of UTAH. Last I checked Utahn was not a religion. If the rivalry were BYU vs. Notre Dame, the title Holy War would make sense. Is it supposed to be...Mormonism vs. Atheism maybe? Mormonism vs. Agnosticism? And what makes it extra stupid is that the predominant religion at the U of U is probably ALSO Mormonism. Are there feuding sects within the LDS faith that I'm unaware of??

A great rivalry deserves a great name, not a contrived misnomer.

2006-11-21T12:40:00.000-07:00

It's time to talk a little cell phone etiquette...or lack thereof. :)

Let's face it. Using a cell phone impairs your ability to drive safely. BUT, I would venture to say it impairs some a little more (or much more) than others. Have you ever been out driving around, minding your own business, when you see another driver do something so inexplicably stupid or unsafe that you just have to get a look at the driver? And isn't it the case, 9 times out of 10, that they either have a phone crammed into the side of their face, or they're really old, OR (heaven forbid) both? Fortunately technology anxiety makes that last case virtually impossible...but in time it's conceivable that that will change. But I digress. My point is, just as not everyone is suited for driving in general, not everyone is suited for driving while talking on their phone. I think they should make it part of the driver license test. If you fail the "driving while talking" portion of the test, you get a restriction put on your license, like if you wear glasses, etc. Then if a cop pulls you over for doing something stupid, and you were on your cell phone, you get a big NASTY ticket...and the cop has the option to confiscate and stomp on your phone repeatedly, on-the-spot.

Also...it goes without saying (or should, anyway) that you either turn your cell phone off, or put it in silent mode, when you're at church, or in a movie, etc. I get that sometimes you forget, at least I GOT that sometimes you forget...like 8 years ago. :) But now I think there is no excuse for it. Cell phones and their use are so ubiquitous now that not turning them off in church, or a movie, or where ever is simply unacceptable. It would be like showing up to church and then realizing, "Oops! I forgot my pants!" Nevertheless, almost without exception these days, the poor sacrament prayer is tainted by a low-fi, blippy-sounding rendition of some Eminem song echoing louder than life in the chapel...quickly followed by the sound of some poor schmuck desperately trying to silence it (usually takes about 10 seconds). I think you should get a 6 month temple recommend suspension for that. Or maybe...have to give a talk the next week in church. There must be consequences or people will never learn! :)

Lastly, there is a relatively new cell-phone related phenomenon that has been especially bugging me of late, which also occurs in a movie theater. You're watching an exciting movie on a big screen, the room is dark, you're enveloped, engrossed, and then...a small but annoyingly bright light appears three rows ahead of you and takes you temporarily out of the movie. MAN that is annoying. I mean, wouldn't want a little thing like the MOVIE you paid $8 to see, not to mention everyone else in the theater, get in the way of your important text message. HEY TEENAGE CHICK, YOUR MESSAGE CAN WAIT UNTIL AFTERWARDS!!! :) I'm telling you, if they installed cell phone jamming devices in theaters YESTERDAY it wouldn't be too soon. I think it's inevitable...but only time will tell.

2006-11-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

Every year around election time (like right now) someone will inevitably get in my face about "getting out to vote." Try as I might, a few simple reasons explaining why I usually DON'T vote never suffices. This so-called "civic duty", as they often put it, must have been ingrained very deeply and from a very early age, because I can never persuade anyone. Or maybe my arguments just suck. :) I'll let you decide...

First, I would like to clarify that I view the act of voting and the right to vote as different. The right to vote I view as very important. The act of voting, specifically me voting, however, I don't view as nearly important. I have several reasons why I feel this way, but I will only go into my latest one here.

If you're the type of person who carefully considers every candidate, reads all the provided literature, and (heaven forbid) does some independent research on the candidates, then this reason does not apply to you. In fact, you are the type of person I would want to vote. That is to say, an informed voter. But the average citizen, myself included, is a far cry from this ideal...or in other words, an grossly uninformed voter. This fact is not lost on the candidates, of course, whose sole purpose in life come election time is to get into office.

Why do you think the message we get shoved down our throats every couple years is a simple "get out and vote."? Wouldn't it be more productive to send a message something more along the lines of "research the candidates and get informed about the issues."? If someone were to take the time to do that, my guess is the simple act of casting a ballot would follow naturally.

The reason is, when you have so many uninformed voters, winning an election is a simple matter of getting your name out the most. E.g., TV commercials, signs, radio ads, flyers, etc. Who you are and what you stand for are pretty inconsequential. He who spends the most money, and therefore gets the most exposure, wins the election. And that's why I think the message they push is simply "get out and vote". The uninformed voter, or the average voter, is just a sheep susceptible to the proven marketing methods that candidates undoubtedly utilize.

An election that can be bought, which is what it pretty much boils down to, I think naturally leads to corruption. And of course corruption is bad for everyone except the corrupt. So to summarize...I consider myself so grossly uninformed that I feel I would be doing society a disservice by casting my ballot and potentially negating an informed voters ballot. Or put as succinctly as possible, an uninformed vote is worse than a no-vote. And that is why I won't be visiting the polls tomorrow. Well, that and a few other reasons, not the least of which is sheer laziness...but I won't elaborate on that point. :)

2006-11-03T10:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, Little Ceasar's Pizza, you make a really crappy pizza and sell it for really cheap. MESSAGE RECEIVED LOUD AND CLEAR!

Clearly you've subsidized the cost of the pizza by cutting the marketing budget dramatically. It would seem you've created exactly 1 (lousy) radio ad and 1 (equally lousy) TV ad in many many months. One part of the marketing budget you haven't scrimped on, however, is the number of times you run your ad. It's a rare day that I don't hear that nausea-inducing radio spot at least 3 times on my way home from work: "Hot 'n' Ready, just 5 bucks!"

The ironic thing is, I would happily dish out $6 or $7 if you would promise to switch your ads up once in awhile. There's a happy medium on the "cost of pizza" vs. "marketing budget" spectrum, but you're a LONG ways from it. Think about it, little toga man. :)

2006-10-11T14:29:00.000-07:00

For the LOVE, people. "Loose" does not equal "lose". You don't loose your mind. You don't loose a game of checkers. You LOSE them! LOSE LOSE LOSE. I see this all the time...and someone needs to say something. :)

"Pardon me while I blow my noose." No one seems to have a problem with that. So what is it about loose and lose?

Just stop it!

2006-10-05T09:25:00.000-07:00

Is there anything more pointless than asking, "Can I ask you a question?" Man that bugs me. :) And people do it too. I just heard someone ask it, prompting this entry.

Hey retarded time-wasting pointless question askers...just ask your real question! Has anyone in the history of time ever EVER responded to the question "Can I ask you a question?" with "No."? NO!

2006-09-25T21:17:00.000-07:00

I'm as unhappy as the next guy about Utah gas stations' apparent gouging of the consumer (my car gets a not-so-Geo-Metroish 17 mpg). I'm not sure what the solution to the problem is, but I can tell you what's NOT the solution. Watching the news tonight, I see that someone has proposed the infamous, if not completely futile, gas boycott.

"If everyone just doesn't buy any gas for one day, we'll flex our collective consumer spending muscles and FORCE them to lower prices." Ahhh, this is so mind-numbingly stupid an idea that I can hardly stand it. :) Let's break it down...

First, not everyone puts gas in their car everyday. Not every OTHER day either. So what that means, is on a given day, most people are not putting gas in their car ANYWAY. And the people who are putting gas in their car on a given day are not doing so just so they'll have extra gas ready just in case they want to go on a long, trivial drive somewhere. No, it's so they'll have gas to get where they need to go. Like to work, for example.

Let's pretend for a moment that everyone is stupid and they go along with this idea. Most won't need to put any gas in anyway, like we've discussed. Those who are close to empty will most likely put some gas in the day before. So that leaves those who will run OUT on the boycott day, and I'm guessing the vast majority of those people, rather than get stranded on the side of the road somewhere, will just say "screw this idea" and go and get some gas anyway.

I guess what I'm saying is, with the extra gas bought the day before, and the day after, it would just all even out anyway and the net effect is that it would do ZERO damage to the oil companies.

Here's what we would need to do. If it were possible for everyone to participate in the following, I believe it WOULD have an effect on the oil companies. Rather than have a "don't buy any gas" day, we should have a "no one drive their car" day, or better yet a week, or a month. If it were possible for everyone to walk or ride their bike or even use mass transit, this is gas that would never be used, and consequently concrete revenue that the oil companies would never see.

But alas...organizing and executing something of this magnitude is a near impossibility...

Looks like my gas light is on, I guess I'm off to the Chevron. Ooh, ooh, $2.79...a steal! :)

2006-09-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

Here's a gripe for ya. On Friday morning, Sep. 8th, some a-hole, probably on their cell phone, wasn't paying attention and hit and killed my poor cat, Wudang, on Main St. just in front of my house. I found her on the road that morning as I was pulling out to go to work. I gathered her body and then buried her Sat. morning in Provo Canyon.

Wudang was probably my favorite cat, and I've had a few. She was 2 1/2 years old, and I had her since she was an 8 week old kitten, fragile and small enough to fit entirely in the palm of one hand. Here is a picture of her very soon after I brought her home for the first time...

She was a beautiful Siamese breed with pretty blue eyes. I get bummed still when I think of what happened and how I found her, so I will leave it at this. R.I.P. Wudang. Maybe they'll feed you better than the plain ol' dry cat food on the other side. :)

2006-08-23T20:03:00.000-07:00

Head On: Apply Directly to the Forehead
Head On: Apply Directly to the Forehead
Head On: Apply Directly to the Forehead

Ahhh!!!

If I see that commercial one more time, I am going to apply my foot directly to the television screen. :)

2006-08-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been at like...a family reunion or somewhere where there's lots of old-timers, bless their hearts, that sit around and reminisce about the "good old days"? And inevitably the subject of what things "used to cost" will come up...

"Why, I remember back when gas cost a nickle a gallon...a NICKLE!"

"I paid $13,000 for my first house."

"I bought my first car, brand new, for $500...and that's a fact."

I remember thinking...man, what the heck happened to the world?? Life used to be so EASY and CHEAP. Then I learned about a little phenomenon called inflation.

So now all I can think about when I hear these types of conversations is how they are conveniently omitting one small little detail...how much their WAGES were back then. Why do we never hear this conversation?

"Why, I remember back when I worked myself ragged everyday for a measly 15 cents an hour. Boy those sure were the bad old days..."

2006-08-15T13:21:00.000-07:00

My next gripe is aimed squarely at Subway Sandwiches. Seems like I've had a lot of fast-food related gripes lately...don't take this to be indicative of my eating habits. Okay, take it to be indicative. I have a problem, I know. But that is beside the point...back to Subway.

Subway, eat fresh, make it your way, blah blah, all good and fine. Subway sandwiches are good, no question...but I think they've become a little bit TOO flexible in their sandwich-building process. I mean, you look up at the board and they have all these named sandwiches, tons of 'em. And that's great. But what you don't realize is that, with the exception of one item, the meat, you can turn any sandwich into any OTHER sandwich.

For example. Let's say you want the Tuscan Chicken Sandwich. Sounds pretty good, right? It did to me too. The picture looked scrumptious, in fact. Then comes the onslaught of options. "What kind of bread?" "What kind of cheese?" "Toasted?" "What vegetables?" On and on.

Through all this it occurs to me...what exactly makes this sandwich a Tuscan Chicken one anyway? So far it's just just a chicken sub sandwich with whatever the hell I want on it. So I ask...

"What exactly GOES on this so-called Tuscan Chicken sandwich anyway?"

"Oh, did you want the special Tuscan sauce?"

Um, yeah. Why on earth would they just assume that you know how to make their sandwiches? I asked for the Tuscan Chicken Sandwich, just freaking make me a TUSCAN CHICKEN SANDWICH!! :)

You know what Subway needs? They need to just have defaults on all their sandwiches, but express to you at the beginning that you can substitute anything you want. Not only would this make things easier, but it would speed up the line a little bit too, 'cause let's face it...Subway ain't exactly Wendy's. Maybe I'll fire this gripe off to their HQ as an email...

2006-07-07T16:01:00.000-07:00

I go to Fazoli's the other day for lunch. Being one of...great appetite I am naturally drawn to the dish called the Ultimate Sampler. I quickly skim their combo meal menu for the number that corresponds to what would most likely be called the Ultimate Sampler Combo, but find none. After shooing away the elderly breadstick lady for the 3rd time, I spot the Classic Sampler Combo on the board. That's pretty close, I think to myself, surely the ultimate variety of the combo is available...

"I'll take the ultimate sampler combo meal please..."

But all I get from the poor girl working behind the counter is a "deer in the headlights" look. Funny, did I stutter? Accidently order in Spanish? What's going on here?

"See the #1 combo meal. The classic sampler combo? I'd like that, only make it the ultimate sampler."

"Umm...I don't think we can do that, let me ask."

(wait 30 seconds)

"Sorry sir, you can only get the classic sampler in a combo meal. Is that what you'd like to get today?"

I'm sure this has happened to you before. Combo meals were a good idea when they were first introduced back in the day...but for the love of all that is greasy and unecessarily calorie ridden...give your employees some menu flexibility in the name of customer service. SHEESH!

Okay I've said my peace. I think I ended up just getting the Club Submarino, like I always do, instead. (excellent sandwich, BTW). :)

2006-06-02T13:45:00.000-07:00

I swing by the Target last night to pick up some personal hygene products. My last "tube" of toothpaste (it was more like...a bottle or something) finally ran out. I didn't care for it. In fact, I don't think I've liked my last, oh, 20 toothpaste choices in-a-row.

Here's the problem. You'd think that with enough experimentation you could settle on one toothpaste that you like and just go with it. But apparently the toothpaste industry is pretty cutthroat competition-wise because they are constantly "innovating" with their products. I use quotes because I don't really consider a more obnoxious printing of the word "WHITENING" or a shiner, sparklier (more sparkly?) box to be true innovation. The innovation is so intense that by the time my previous tube runs out, it's an entirely different line up of offerings from every company.

So I stand there, looking over this incredible myriad of choices...an entire aisle, in fact, of tooth-care goops of one variety or another. The only thing they all have in common is the word "whitening". A toothpaste company would not dare omit that word printed all obnoxious-like somewhere on the box. I'm convinced they don't whiten at all...because I've been using "whitening" toothpastes for years and my teeth look the same shade of tooth-color as ever. But that's a topic for another gripe. :)

Oh man, what do I get? Baking soda kind? The one with Scope incorporated for minty-fresh breath? That's never a bad thing. Oooh...this one whitenes and makes your teeth shiny. It is kind of a drag running around with matte teeth. Tartal control? Do I even have tartar? Probably I guess. Dahh, what to do???

Ultimately, after 3 or 4 rounds up and down the aisle, I just say "screw it" and grab the shiniest box and take off. Then I endure what I know will be some gross taste with weird texture, hope for the best oral-hygene-wise...and then do it all over again a month or two later. :)

2006-05-26T10:58:00.000-07:00

I fire up Yahoo's page this morning and in their "In the News" section I see this headline: "Lower income may mean higher stress". Lower income may mean higher stress? Are you kidding me? So let me make sure I have this straight...it took some scientists and who knows how much taxpayer money to determine that it just MIGHT be stressful to find an eviction notice on your door, or to wonder where your next meal will come from?

Unbelievable. I'm guessing the next study's findings will be something like "Scientists have found that having mountains of cash helps to pay bills on time." Pure genius. :)

2006-05-10T09:31:00.000-07:00

Is there a bigger broken record on earth than the nightly world news? Particularly when it comes to the Middle East...

"Our top stories tonight: A car bomb explodes in Iraq killing several US marines. Evidence found showing that Iran is trying to develop a nuclear weapon. And there is fighting between the Israelis and Palestinians. All this and more on this day, (insert any day for the past few years), on World News Tonight." (dun dun DUN dun).

Thank goodness for Seinfeld reruns...

2006-04-25T13:39:00.000-07:00

As it gets warmer I'm starting to see those dreaded orange barrels and cones all over the place. It's summer road construction time baby!

First let me say...it is what it is. Roads need maintenance, I understand that. But I have a question (gripe) about the way they go about it. I have no first-hand knowledge of how it's all organized, but best I can tell from my personal observations the first meeting of those involved goes something like this:

"It's almost summertime boys, this is our plan of attack. First we're gonna take every single last road project on the schedule for the entire summer and block them ALL off in one shot with our beloved orange barrels and cones. We should be able to do this in, oh, a couple hours. We can't have cars driving willy-nilly over our work areas just anytime they want.

Then, over the course of the next several months, just get to what you can whenever it's convenient for you. I realize our numbers are small, but hey, we have lives. Ideally we'd like to actually finish these projects before winter...but whatever.

Okay, let's get to it. After lunch I mean. Break!"

Here's my proposal for a new way to do it, and I take a page out of the book of ABC's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. They can build an entire house in 7 days. How do they do it? Simple. Lots and lots of man hours in one location.

Would it be so infeasible for them to go around the city doing one project at a time, utilizing every hombre on the payroll, go non-stop until it is finished...and then move on to the next? To me this seems like win-win. Projects are done faster, and at any given time only one piece of the road is blocked off. Can someone please tell me what the matter with this plan is? Thanks!

2006-04-17T00:20:00.000-07:00

As gas prices begin their annual summer increase, I couldn't help but notice something today as I took a scenic drive through Provo Canyon. But first...correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a pretty substantial chunk of the price you pay for a gallon of gas taxed for purposes of road maintenance? I'm totally down with that system, by the way. The more you drive on the road, the more you pay towards its upkeep...makes sense.

I couldn't help but question the use of aforementioned funds, however, when I saw the sign "Falling Rock" as I entered the canyon. This sign, a fairly common one actually, has always puzzled me. It's obviously warning you that you are entering an area where rock falls are common. But what exactly are you supposed to do with that knowledge? How does one alter their driving while in a rock fall zone in a way that somehow minimizes the chances of being hit by one? Seems to me if your car gets crunched by some errant boulder, then you are the victim of extremely bad luck, not a consequence of poor driving.

So the question is, since we've established that we're going to use "obvious signage", where do we draw the line? Why not post a sign that says "Lightning Struck Here Once" or maybe "Driving In An Earthquake Is Scary"? OR, how about we eliminate obvious signage altogether and save a penny or two on escalating gas prices? My vote is for the latter...

2006-04-07T13:52:00.000-07:00

Since my last post I've probably thought up at least a dozen new gripes. But I always forget what they are when I get an opportunity to write about them. I will try to do better - these things need to be documented! :)

But I did remember one today. Have you noticed how the length of a person's voicemail instructions on their cell phone seems to be getting longer and longer? The notion of voicemail has been around, in essence, since PhoneMate introduced the Model 400 answering machine in 1971. I guess what I'm getting at, 35 years later, is there anyone on the face of our great planet who is capable of placing a phone call but who doesn't understand how to leave a message? You hear the beep, you leave a message, you hang up. Shouldn't the instructions be getting shorter by now? Or better yet, no instructions at all, just the beep?

But for some inexplicable reason a typical greeting, when someone doesn't answer their phone, goes something like this:

"Hello. You have reached the voice mailbox of (person says their name). If you would like to leave a message, please wait for the tone. Now, since you really have no choice but to wait for the tone, we'd like to take this opportunity to give you some useless options. But first, a little about voice mail. Voicemail is a revolutionary idea that allows you to leave a message when someone either is not available, or simply chooses not to answer their phone, which that person is then able to retrieve and listen to at a later time. Pretty neat, huh? You may now press # if you're ready to continue. Did you press it? Just kidding...gotcha! Oh, by the way, press 2 if you'd like to leave a numeric page. Now there's a useful feature. Never mind that your number is automatically recorded on their phone when you call. Plus, no one really wants to know why you're calling, so a primitive numeric page is a nice alternative to an informative voice message. Let's see here, what else before I give you the tone. Oh yeah, if you're you, please press # now for a whole bunch more options. I'll give you an extra 10 seconds to comply. (10 seconds) (beep)."

It's maddening really. All voicemail should work the same. The phone picks up, you have like 1 or 2 seconds to push a special key, such as the # key for any special options, and then there should be the tone...and that's it. No message, no greeting, no nothing. Perhaps someday...(sigh)

2006-03-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

There is an old-school video game from the 80's that some of you may remember called "Dragon's Lair". In the game you control Dirk the Daring, a valiant knight on a quest to rescue the fair princess from the clutches of an evil dragon. Here's a screenshot:

The game worked a lot like those old "Choose Your Own Adventure" books -- in each room, you would have a number of obstacles to avoid, usually by simply moving the joystick in one direction or hitting the sword button. One miss-timed or missed move and you suffered one of several heinous deaths built into the game...in which case you had to pony up another 50 cents and start the game over with your newfound knowledge.

The reason I am writing about this game is because I realized the other day that it is a perfect analogy of my dating life. Each new girl is a new game...and each time I flame out miserably by making a "bad move" I chalk it up as a learning experience and try to avoid making the same mistake in the future. And then I suppose "rescuing the fair princess" would be analogous to finally suckering someone into marrying me.

Granted, my dating life is not exactly prolific...but this IS how it kinda feels. :)

2006-03-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

PETA is full of whack jobs. It never ceases to amaze me how they repeatedly manage to overshadow their otherwise reasonable message with utterly retarded and wacky stunts. So I was excited when Michelle sent me a newspaper article which stated that "a man and woman will be making out in a bed set up on the sidewalk at Provo's University Avenue and Center Street". I didn't really care what their message was, although I believe it had something to do vegetarians making better lovers or some nonsense...what we were really after was some POTW fodder. Yeah! :) So we grabbed our cameras and headed over there...

You really let us down PETA. That wasn't wacky at ALL. Here's what was touted:

"The couple won't be fully clothed while making out. The man, a former Naval instructor, plans to wear nothing but boxer shorts, and the woman, touted as a 'raven-haired beauty' will be clad in sexy lingerie."

Here's what the article should have read:

"A man and woman will stand around on the corner in their pajamas for about 15 min. looking dumb and really really cold."

For your poor execution, PETA, I guess I'm gonna have to eat two pork chops tonight instead of just one. At least Michelle was able to snap a couple photos with pretty decent POTW potential...here's one of them (see if you recognize the person in the middle ;) ):

2006-03-01T13:09:00.000-07:00

It's only a matter of time...so I figured I'd pull some preemptive creativity and beat ABC to the punch:

"One man. 25 men. One will be eliminated each week after a series of fun, exciting and exotic dates that will elicit real and raw emotions. Some lucky men will meet his family, and he will visit their hometowns for a slice of their life in an effort to determine the man with whom he is most compatible. At the end of the journey, he may quite possibly have found true love...

Coming to ABC this fall: The Broke Bachelor!"

:)

2006-02-17T10:43:00.000-07:00

Quickie gripe. I have at least a half dozen devices that take three AAA batteries. THREE. What genius engineer thought that up? When's the last time you saw a 3-pack of triple A's for sale? I'm convinced these people are in bed with Duracell and Energizer. Think about it...what better way to get an instant 33% jump in sales than force unorganized folks like myself to by four batteries for a three battery device? Because I can guarantee you that "odd man out" 4th battery will be totally and completely MIA by the time I need new ones. And off I'll go to get another 4 pack. Bastages! :)

2006-02-10T08:55:00.000-07:00

Geico has some really bad ads. But this radio spot of theirs I heard this morning was one of the worst ever. I don't know if I really could "save 15% or more by switching"...but ads like these make me REALLY not want to even bother trying.

It went something like this..."The Utah state bird is the Seagull. But Geico has such low rates, people in Utah want to change it to the Gecko...(insert more lameness here)".

What? Huh?

First of all, Geico is not Gecko. It's Geico. It's just some stupid-sounding word they came up with. If you want a gecko to be your mascot, maybe you should change your name to FREAKING GECKO! What's next? A pony playing a Sony Playstation? 'Cause that makes sense, right?

And what on earth does the state bird have to do with car insurance anyway? Dahh, this is so stupid I'm getting all worked up just writing about it. :) Let's assume for just a second that it isn't stupid that they use geckos in their commercials...why not say that the people of Utah want to change the state animal or state reptile or something to the gecko?

And finally, what an incredibly unclever and nonsensical stretch to assume that people would want to change the state anything because of car insurance, cheap or otherwise.

Then it dawned on me...perhaps Geico makes their ads lame for the same reason that "Totally Awesome Computers" and "PC Laptops" are in-your-face obnoxious and annoying. To get your attention, to get you talking about them, write blog entries, etc. I.e., generate buzz. Am I a mere pawn in your grand scheme, Geico?

But then I came to my senses. Your ads suck, Geico, and I'll never buy insurance from you precisely because of them. You lose. :)

2006-01-30T16:09:00.000-07:00

I swear every time I go into the Maverik to pick up my 12-pack of diet Dew there is some new gimmicky "energy" drink. The market seems to have really taken off for all these Red Bull ripoffs. So it got the ol' hamster wheel spinning...I need to get in on this while the action is hot! You'll notice that there seems to be a game of one-upsmanship among the manufactures of these supposed energy drinks, each new brand has a more extreme sounding name, a more obnoxiously colorful label, more and more useless supplements, and a bigger and bigger can size (not to mention price).

So I've decided to take it to the extreme and TENups anything else out there...you know, take a few quantum leaps in the evolution of the energy drink rather than these pointlessly small increments and just blow away the competition. I give you...Turbo Death Acid!

That's right baby, Turbo Death Acid. Compared to a refreshing can of TDA, everything else will be like drinking your grandma's Metamucil shake. The can is gonna glow like that too. Not sure how yet, but I'll figure out details later. And it's gonna be big. Not some puny 12 or 16 oz'er, I'm talking like a liter and a half. And no flimsy-pants aluminum either...an eighth inch of solid stainless steel. Turbo Death Acid promises more caffeine that the blackest of coffee, but that's just the start.

Oh you want supplements? Get a load of this list...we got Acidophilus, we got Astragalus, we got Beta-Carotene, Alpha-Carotene, and Delta-Carotene. We got Gingko Bilboa, we got Rocky Balboa, we got Cat's Claw, Pig's Hoof, and Owl's Beak. But wait, there's more! It's not called Turbo Death ACID for nothing. We got Alpha-Liopic Acid, Biotin and Pantothenic Acid, and Amino Acids galore! Ginseng? We put in the Ginseng death threshold amount...and then ADDED a couple grams! And all that is just the beginning. How about some Wild Yam, Shark Cartlidge, St. John's Wort, Black Cohosh, and don't forget the Bee Products! What do all these supplements do? No one really knows, but who cares! It's all in there. Add just a smidge of Drain-O and a pinch of Napalm and you then have...Turbo Death Acid! Coming soon to a convenience store near you.

2006-01-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

There's a trend in websites that has been bugging me lately. Have you ever noticed how companies will just randomly insert pictures of people, usually stock photography of business people, on the front page of their website? Usually of people that don't seem to have anything whatsoever to do with the business? Why do they do this? I guess it's an attempt to add some legitimacy or sophistication to their business, regardless of what that business may be. Maybe in some instances it works, but other times I think it's just stupid. For example:

Bob's Raw Sewage.
"We process crap so you don't have to."

I don't know. I'm sure they've done all sorts of marketing studies that show that this kind of thing ultimately is effective, but I will continue to think it's lame. :)

2006-01-04T17:01:00.000-07:00

I am a big fan of pay-at-the-pump at gas stations. It just makes sense...slip in the card, pump your gas, and go. Easy. There is one thing, however, that bugs me immensely about pay-at-the-pump, and that is how each and every one of them has a slightly different process. Do I insert the card now, or do I hit "Pay Outside"? Do I flip up the handle, or press a button? Wait, where IS the button? How do I select which grade of gas? Debit or Credit? Do I want a carwash? Do I want a receipt? Stop beeping at me!!! Did I know there is a special on Cool Ranch Doritos inside? Dahh!!!

Take note o ye designers of future pay-at-the-pumps. This is how it should go. Pull up, slip in card, open tank, put nozzle in, pump, put nozzle back, done. How can it be this simple, you ask? Defaults. DEFAULTS! Maybe it is the computer science in me, but I learned very early on in my programming career that defaults are your friend. Just before you slip in the card there should a button next to the card reader that simply says: "Press here if you would like to be bothered." If you press it then you get all the stupid options that are currently forced down our throats. Otherwise you get the cheapest grade of gas, you get no receipt, you get no carwash, and it runs as credit. Done.

2006-01-02T17:15:00.000-07:00

I go to Walmart today during my lunch break, pick up a 12-pack of Diet Mtn. Dew, and head towards check out. You are now faced with 3 choices once you arrive: regular check out, express check out (20 items or less), and the new self check-out. Regular check out is always a poor option as you will find yourself behind several stay-at-home-mom's who have the next 9 months of groceries densely crammed into one cart. The express lane is usually not any better as people scoff at the supposed item-limit (and I swear the max. number of items gets higher and higher each year - how about a 1 item lane?). Which leaves the relatively recently deployed 3rd option, the self check-out.

I actually like the idea of eliminating the checker and doing it yourself. I've used them several times and they seem to have worked most of the kinks out of the initial models. There is, however, a major problem with the notion of self check-out. Walmart and other stores have GROSSLY overestimated the average person's ability to go through this process in a timely manner. I have never been in line to use one where the person (or persons) in front of me didn't resemble a senior citizen trying to set the clock on their VCR. I mean let's face it...these things are WAY WAY WAY too complex for your average Walmart shopper. There's a touch screen with a myriad of options and buttons. There's a credit card machine with all its buttons and gadgetry. There's a bill slot, a coin slot, a change return, a receipt printer, a laser bar code scanner, a scale, bags, etc., etc. It's simply too much. And the end result is that self check-out lanes are a viable option ONLY when there's no one in front of you. And the odds of that happening at your average Walmart, unless it's 4am Sunday morning, is basically zero.

Ideally they would have some sort of IQ scanning machine you have to step through in order to get to the self check-out machines. Like the machines they have at airport security. "ZZZ. I'm sorry ma'am...but you're too stupid to use the self check-out...express lane is that way." Or maybe they could have a VCR set up in front with a blinking 12:00, and if you can correctly set the time in less than 20 seconds, you are allowed to enter. Just some ideas. Maybe someday...

2005-12-21T16:11:00.000-07:00

I recently took a quickie work trip up to Toronto, Canada, and while sitting on the plane observing the stewardesses, err, flight attendants, I couldn't help but notice how incredibly anal they are about seat belts. They are so concerned with it, it has its own special light-up indicator above every seat and its own special little ding.

"Please keep your seat belt fastened during take-off until the indicator is turned off." "Please keep your seat belt fastened until the plane is through taxiing and at a complete stop." "Ooh, turbulence...everyone back in their seats immediately and fasten seat belt, NOW!"

I'm convinced there is some ulterior motive for the seat belt nazism. Because I mean let's face it...whilst on a flight one of two things is going to happen. A) The flight will go normally with the possibility of a little turbulence, none of which warrants actually wearing a seat belt. Or B) the plane crashes in a fiery blaze and everyone dies, seat belt or no. That's it. That's all that ever happens. So why the absolutely colossal waste of time with all the lights and dings and announcements? It just doesn't add up...

2005-12-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the radio the other morning and heard an add for something known as the International Star Registry. I decided to write about it because I would like to shake the hand of the guy who came up with this scam. Nice work, my man...pure genius. For only $54 you get a freaking star named after you! How great is that?

I'm devising a copycat endeavor as I write. For only $29.95, a steal compared to that expensive star stuff, you can get a grain of sand named after you, complete with certificate of authenicity and a photo of the beach where your grain resides. Or for $19.95, an H2O molecule in the ocean of your choice. This is gonna be HUGE!

As a sidenote...I wonder if you get a discount if your star goes supernova? :)

2005-12-04T13:29:00.000-07:00

Whenever I watch a video about Iraq I inevitably hear a soldier or some other military type mispronounce the word "cache" as "cashay" instead of just plain ol' "cash". As in, "We found the insurgent's weapons cashay." I've looked it up at least a half dozen times to verify that cashay is not some obscure alternate pronunciation that I was unaware of. And you know what I found? It's not.

So how does this happen? What is the explanation for this spontaneous mass mispronunciation phenomenon? My theory is that dumb-guy-A listens to prone-to-mispronounce-guy-B and then questions his own way of pronouncing a given word. Rather than look it up, dumb-guy-A starts to say it the wrong way, and then dumb-guy-C hears. And it snowballs from there until easily-annoyed-guy-D (me) hears it on CNN and is bothered enough to write a blog entry about it. :) I would love to hear alternative theories...

One other thing has been bothering me. It's December now and the stores are bombarding us with "seasonal" candy. Seasonal is a nice way of saying "only sells because of perceived affiliation with Christmas". A perfect example of a seasonal candy - the Candy Cane.

It's not a coincidence that the cane of candy is nowhere to be found in July. It's not that the candy cane is an uninspiring shaft of sugar, however, that I've chosen to write about it. What irks me most is the way they've chosen to package it. Innovative, year-round candies are constantly giving us new and exciting ways to minimize the "inside package" to "inside mouth" time. Simply pull this nifty red tab and watch as the packaging unravels effortlessly to reveal the now readily accessible goodies inside. That's technology at work, ladies and gentlemen...that's progress!

Alas, the candy cane makers have opted to remain in the packaging stone-age. You'll find no convenient pull-tab on these beasts, no reclosable slot/tab combo, no high-tech zip lock action, but rather a simple shrink-wrapping so tight that a wrapped cane and an unwrapped cane are virtually indistinguishable. Once you start the unwrapping process you'll find that seasonal candy must be mandated to use cheap cellophane that has this bizarre impossibly strong, incredibly weak characteristic duality which is somehow able to manifest itself at precisely the most inopportune times.

For example, the stuff is kevlar-esque when you first get a mind to break into it...but rather than just slip off the cane with one pull, it quickly loses all prior strength and you end up peeling it rather like a banana...only with an invisible peel. It's only once you begin to eat the candy cane and discover the cellophane shrapnel in your mouth that you realize that your peeling job was not thorough.

The real irony to this, however, is that there really are no fruits resulting from your labors, so to speak. Candy canes just aren't good. But I will leave the infamous cane's taste leaving something to be desired for a different post. :)

2005-12-02T09:57:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've heard the quote "There are lies, damn lies, and statistics." Listening to the radio this morning I heard a seat belt statistic that made me think of this quote and about how you really need to think about what a statistic means. Here's what they said:

"53% of car accident fatalities were not wearing their seat belt." Your first reaction might be, "oooh, 53%, that's a pretty big chunk, they should have been wearing their seat belt!" But think about it a little more. 53%, with a +/- 3% margin of error, which is pretty standard, is for all intents and purposes the same as 50%. So in other words, 50% of car accident fatalities WERE wearing their seat belt. So what does that tell us? If half of fatalities were wearing a seat belt and half were not, then what that tells me is that wearing a seat belt has a NEGLIGIBLE effect on your survivability in a serious traffic accident.

As it turns out I happen to be a fan of the seat belt as it probably saved me from injury about a year ago when I had a head-on collision, but I just thought this was an interesting example of a misleading statistic, whether they meant it to be or not.

2005-10-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

I actually have a couple things today. Last night, while at the rec. center, I made the mistake of getting on the machine before changing the channel on the TV that was in front of me. Normally they are pretty good about having the TV's on the channel of whatever the happening event is...the NLCS, Monday Night Football, etc. But, to my horror, when it came back from commercial it was women's figure skating. Doh! But I was already going on the machine and I didn't want to stop to change the channel...so I decided to wait for someone to walk by to ask to change the channel to the baseball game for me. In the meantime, however, I couldn't help but make some observations about women's figure skating.

Figure skating is stupid. First of all, it's one of those lame subjective sports where you're at the mercy of judges, who are probably corrupt. Second, there is really only one element to a routine which separates one skater from another. They can all do the easy, frilly, artsy, boring stuff backwards and forwards blindfolded in their sleep. You know, skating forwards, skating backwards, waving their hands around, showing off the glitter in their hair, etc., which comprises like 99% of a routine. The only thing anyone is looking for is whether or not the skater falls down on her jumps. That is the essence of figure skating. She who falls least gets gold.

So I have a proposal for a new system for figure skating that removes the subjectivity entirely without really changing the essence of the sport. Take the most difficult jump in skating, and then have each skater attempt it 100 times in a row. The person who lands it the most gets the gold. 2nd, silver, etc. Done. No controversy, no corruption, takes less time, no glitter, everyone wins!

The second thing I'd like to talk about are the lines on the freeway. Or more accurately, the OLD lines that aren't supposed to be there anymore. For some reason, many months ago, they decided that the lanes of the freeway on I-15 that I drive to work each day all needed to be shifted over about 12 inches. Now, I'm no traffic engineer...so while it seems kind of odd, whatever. BUT, I have to take issue with their choice of old-line-concealment technique. Maybe it's just me, but giving the old lines a light coat of rubber cement just doesn't quite seem to do the job. Not only can you still see the lines plain as day, but now they have an annoying glare in the morning from the sun...which actually makes them MORE visible than the new lines. The result is that the freeway is now a confusing smorgasboard of lines making distinguishing between lanes a daunting task at the very least.

To summarize...we put a man on the moon, we can nuke the world 20 times over, but we can't make some simple traffic lines disappear. In the meantime bad drivers are driving willy nilly down the freeway, causing needless accidents...and my insurance premiums are rising. :)

2005-09-28T15:08:00.000-07:00

Oops, I have been slacking on this whole blog thing. Maybe it's not for me, I doubt anyone even reads it. Oh well...it's free. :)

Two negative things happened this weekend. First BYU somehow managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory against TCU. 51-50, man what a score. I think this is like the first time in the history of the sport of football that someone has managed to botch two snaps in-a-row. Luckily I didn't go to it, nor was I watching it, because we were on our way to Mount Borah in Idaho. I had the ol' tivo recording the game in the unlikely event that BYU won, suffice it to say it didn't last long on the tivo's hard drive.

The other thing is we didn't make it to the top of Borah. I really really really hate to not summit, esp. when it takes 6 hours to drive there. But I think under the circumstances we made a wise choice. To continue in the conditions we encountered (5 inches of snow and ice on Chicken-Out Ridge) would have been suicidal at best I think. The one redeeming thing, however, was that the snow and clouds made the mountain incredibly scenic and I got an outstanding batch of Himalaya-esque photos out of the deal. Here's a taste...

A Picture Share!

2005-09-10T13:44:00.000-07:00

Go cougars!

2005-09-07T11:39:00.000-07:00

We did Dark Canyon (near Lake Powell) and Mount Peale (near Moab, highest mountain in the La Sals and highest in Utah outside of the High Uintas). Dark Canyon was pretty cool. Risk of death was as high as ever! :) Between almost getting hit by lightning, freaky big yellow spiders & rattlesnakes, and rocks that would just break sporadically and fall down sheer cliffs as you stepped on them, it definitely made for an interesting Labor Day weekend.

One bummer though...because of the torrential rain we received it was flash flooding through Dark Canyon and the normal nice, clear water was replaced by what I can only describe as chocolate milk. Here I am from what could be a scene right out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. :)

A Picture Share!

2005-08-20T11:47:00.000-07:00

Timp saddle

2005-08-19T13:37:00.000-07:00

I had a random thought today as I stood at the gas pump. I remember way back in the day when I was about 10 years old my friends talked me into buying a motorized uzi squirt gun. They all had one, and in the end I succumbed to the peer pressue and dropped the $10 that one cost. It was cool, we had squirt wars, it was all good.

Then my mom found out. Oh man was she pissed. How could I squander such a large amount on such a trivial, worthless toy? Money doesn't grow on trees, you know. I felt bad.

It was at about that moment, approx. 2.3 seconds from when I first depressed the pump handle, that the $10 spent mark on the LCD readout came and went like a blur.

Inflation notwithstanding, my how things have changed...

2005-08-14T21:02:00.000-07:00

We just got back from the Utah Shakespearean Festival in Cedar City, Utah. I'd never been, have always wanted to check it out, so down we went. I originally wanted to go to at least one Shearepeare play, and one non-Shakespeare play (I just discovered that they have non ones there as well). But then I found out they wanted $35+ a pop to go to these things. Ouch!

So we decided on just one non-Shakespeare one called "Stones In His Pockets". It was pretty good. Every part was played by just two actors - all kinds of accents and acting styles, so that was pretty impressive. Two things of note, however. What an unreal amount of spit that left these guys' mouths. It was unreal. They are not mic'd so I guess they had to speak loudly...that plus the way the lighting was helped us see everly last saliva molecule spew forth. Or maybe there is something about an Irish accent that is condusive to spit projectiles.

The other thing is how they substituted all the swear words. I'd heard this play had a lot of F-bombs. Their substitute of choice, apparentely, was "feck". "What do you think about that, Jake?" "I think we're fecked!" "Are you out of your fecking mind?" Etc. :)

Lastly, during the intermission I saw something else which I found quite hilarious. They were, of course, merchandising like mothers. And for a mere $8.95 you could be the proud owner of your own Shakespeare Action Figure! Complete with removable quill pen, and book! Haha. Cracked me up...like something out of Homestar Runner. Sweet Shakespeare removable quill pen action!

A Picture Share!

2005-08-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

Herf

2005-08-09T08:41:00.000-07:00

We didn't know it at the time, but it turns out Saturday we met a local legend high on the Cottonwood Ridge - Caine Alder. After we met him I mentioned the fact to Mick of Mick's Mountain Page, who then told me he recognized the name and that there was an article about him in the SL Tribune way back in 1996. So I dug up the article which I am going to post here. It says he was 62 in '96, so that makes him 71 today, and still doing the triple traverse! (Twin Peaks, Sunrise, Dromedary). Amazing. Here is a pic we got with Caine:

From The Salt Lake Tribune - October 14, 1996:

In the diary where Caine Alder writes about his latest hiking adventure, a Saturday milestone was recorded quite simply: hiking Broads Fork Twin Peaks for the 200th time.

It took 27 years to complete the first 100 treks. Seventeen years later he doubled it.

"Just don't go up a 300th time, will you,'' jested hiking partner Rolf Doebbeling at the end of a 10-hour day.

Alder retorted: "Let's see, I'd be 79. Yeah, I could do that.''

Before the sun poked its head above the Wasatch, Alder began the trek with a 15-member entourage of daughters, hiking partners and work acquaintances.

Broads Fork Twin Peaks at 11,330 feet attracts experienced mountaineers, said John Veranth, author of Hiking the Wasatch. In 4 1/2 miles this Big Cottonwood Canyon trail climbs 5,130 vertical feet over boulders, skitterish scree and a gravity-defying wall.

"Panoramic views, the magnificent alpine setting, the enormous vertical reli! ef and the prominent position on the Salt Lake skyline make this peak a popular objective,'' said Veranth.

Even after 200 trips to the peak? Alder answers yes.

"I love Broads Fork Twin Peaks,'' he said. "Just look at the variety of trees. Look at the quartz rock; it's yellow, red, orange. I'll show you a rock on top that's blue. I love that rock.''

Age has not slowed the 62-year-old's sojourns into the Wasatch Mountains. He hikes almost weekly, climbing Mount Olympus almost 300 times now. His secret to hiking longevity: pacing and proper breathing.

Leading the pack Saturday, Alder's hike went so smoothly it appeared he entered a walking meditation. His steps were uniform, whether on the flats or a steep upward haul. Heavy breathing and gasps for air were unheard. He slows or speeds up according to the trail's pitch. And he never chews gum on the uphill; it makes breathing difficult.

Often his pace results in a game of "Tortoise and Hare'' with other hikers, said cousin Jeff Burton, who joined the m onumental trek.

"The first time I hiked with him 21 years ago, this group of young hikers burned past us,'' Burton recalled. "My young muscles were aching to join them. But I stayed with Caine, and soon we passed those hikers. Then they burned past us again, and we eventually passed them as they rested on a rock. Finally, we reached the top, but we never saw them.''
Alder's final tip for effortless hiking is to avoid talking, a pact broken Saturday because of the celebratory nature of the hike.

"I made my first climb when 2 1/2-years-old,'' said Alder, twisting his beret-covered head to address the single-file crowd that followed. A glimmer in his milk-chocolate-colored eyes revealed that a story soon would unfold.

When his father leaned a ladder against the house, Alder climbed up and sat on the rain gutter happily swinging his legs until discovered by his mother. After that he shimmied up the house's pillars. Trees were next. Alder and his si! ster began haunting Hugh's Canyon along the Wasatch Front. And in 1952, the Salt Lake City native learned about other trails riddling the mountain range.

"I'd never kept a diary, but for some reason I wrote about my first hiking trips because to me they were really fun events I wanted to remember,'' said Alder.
Forty-four years later, the diary continues.

An entry in the 1960s tells of a fog settling on Broads Fork Twin Peaks that disoriented the group. With his hands, Alder found familiar rocks and led the hikers off the steep crags.
Twenty years after that a redtail hawk claimed a 400-foot stretch of the peak's trail as its territory. When the raptor spotted Alder's hat, it swooped down and stole the cap from his head.
"After it took the hat, it came and I had to fight it,'' he said. "I went home with cuts all over my arms. My wife said, 'That was a quick trip.' When I told her what happened she laughed so hard she was stooped over.''!

Trauma did not plague Alder's 200th hike to Broad Fork Twin Pe aks. Instead, he watched the canyon's charm unfold as the sun crossed the sky, and renewed his love for hiking.

"I do this because it's fun,'' he said. "That old stuff about climbing it because it's there. . . pshaw.''

2005-08-07T10:54:00.000-07:00

We sometimes jokingly say that a particular activity is more fun if there is greater "risk of death". And while it sounds like something kind of stupid to say, there actually IS an element of truth to it. The difference is that "greater risk of death" is a relative term. Activity A may have a greater risk of death than activity B, but that does not necessarily mean that activity A's actual risk of death is all that great. For example, it may be riskier to hike a trail with sheer drop offs that are 1000's of feet high than to, say, walk down the sidewalk with a sheer drop off of 4 inches to the gutter. But that doesn't necessarily make the trail very dangerous in an absolute sense.

So why am I rambling on about risk of death? Yesterday we tried to get to the top of both Dromedary Peak and Sunrise Peak, high and rugged peaks along the Cottonwood Ridge, and numbers 15 and 16 in my goal to bag all the 11,000+ foot peaks in the Wasatch Range. Once again, to make a long blog entry short, I will just say that I flirted with an unacceptable risk of death far too much and for far too long yesterday. Between the most rotten, crumbly, sharp and unstable rock known to man, sheer cliffs and exposure around every turn, tiring and frustrating route finding, I found myself as sketched out as I believe I've ever been...for probably a solid 2 hours. We actually did make it to the top of Dromedary by way of some probably questionable decisions and sheer will. I really wanted to get to the top of Sunrise as well...at first. But by the time we'd gotten to what would be the final ascent of Sunrise, I'd had enough. We instead made a premature bail off the main ridge down another scary-as-hell chute and decided to just get the $#@! out of dodge.

And to add insult to injury, on the way down a nasty thunderstorm formed overhead which I swear covered exactly the boundary of the Twin Peaks Wilderness because there was blue sky all around the horizon. We saw several bolts of lightning frighteningly close and heard a few of those ultra-loud cracks of thunder - the kind you can feel in your gut and make you want to drop to the ground in the fetal position. :) We found some overhanging rock and decided to wait it out there. Once the storm had passed we made quick work of the trail back to the car.

In hindsight I am kind of bummed that I was not able to close out my goal (esp. since this means I have to climb Broads Fork AGAIN sometime in the future), but I guess in the end I'm happy just to be able to be writing this entry.

Damn you Sunrise you WILL go down! :)

Brent and I at the top of Dromedary:

2005-08-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marked the official launch of the newest addition to lanep.org: Ask Michelle. Yet another side project that I decided to do for the "sheer hell of it". :)

Why, you ask? Michelle has a cornucopia of knowledge, both trivial and useful, and this is my meager attempt to harness and channel this knowledge for the good of all. If you question my view of her knowledge, you need only play her in a game of Trivial Pursuit (any edition) and get your teeth kicked in by her, just as I have.

So what are you waiting for? Ask Michelle a question today! :)

http://lanep.org/ask_michelle/index.cgi

A Picture Share!

2005-08-01T17:21:00.000-07:00

At the top of thunder mountain

2005-07-29T09:08:00.000-07:00

Colorado can be a crazy place. I forgot to mention in my last post our nutso experience driving up and over Monarch Pass on our way from the Black Canyon to Denver. Monarch Pass, like many passes in CO, are pretty high up there. Monarch sits right on the continental divide at an elevation of 11,312 feet...that's higher than the majority of the peaks in the Wasatch.

Anyway, we were driving along up this pass when it started to rain. No big deal. Then it started to rain a little harder, still no big deal. The wipers went from intermittent, to always going, and then finally to full bore as the rain kept getting harder and harder. Then it started to turn to hail...then bigger hail...harder and bigger still.

By this point people are slowing way down as visibility is not good and you wouldn't want to drive off the side of this road, that it for certain. But THEN something happened that I have never experienced before...the inside of my windshield almost instantly fogged up. No problem, I thought, just fire up the ol' defrost...which I did. But it seemed to have no effect. So flipped the fan to turbo, turned on the A/C, started messing around with the temperature dial...nothing seemed to even put a dent in this strange, new, death fog that had encompassed the inside of my windshield. Soon it was to the point where I could see basically nothing, so Bart starts wiping the windshield with his hand.

We continued this way for a few more minutes when Shelley radioed that Mike had pulled over at the top of the pass to "wait it out". I was happy to do the same. We pulled right up next to the gift shop they have at the top and decided to go inside to kill time while we waited out the hail. In hindsight, I think I made good time the whole 15 feet from my car to the front door of the shop...but that didn't keep the entire rear half of me from getting completely and totally soaked from the torrential hail onslaught. Mike later commented that he was slipping around and was doubtful he would even make it to the top. Crazy-go-nuts. It was nice and sunny at Black Canyon of the Gunnison earlier that morning. I guess it comes with the territory. Here's a pic of our cars parked at the gift shop at the top...

2005-07-26T15:52:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm just a big pansy...but driving in the rain kinda scares me. We just got back from our Colorado trip (summitted two 14ers, visited two national parks) and on the way home we got caught in quite the torrential rain storm between Glenwood Springs and Grand Junction. There's just something unnerving about driving through standing water going 75 mph and having your car move sideways a few inches.

But luckily once we got back to the great state of Utah the weather got much better and we (Bart and I) survived to drive in a storm another day. :)

2005-07-22T12:23:00.000-07:00

I stopped at Walden Books today at lunch to buy the book "Deception Point" so I would have a book during our Colorado trip. I find the book, take it up to the counter...and dialog I had with the clerk went something like this:

"You realize that this book is part of our 'buy 3 get the 4th free' deal, would you like to do that today?"
"No."
"Okay. Would you like to donate $2 to our reading program for children? You get this (stupid) purple rubber bracelet thingy."
"Uhh, okay, whatever."
"Thank you. Oh, would you like to buy one of our (gay) truffles today? Only 56 cents with a purchase."
"No."
"Okay. I'm only gonna bug you one more time, would you like to fill out this card so we can (spam) email you with special deals?"
"No. DAMN you Walden I just want my STUPID BOOK now leave me the hell alone!"

Okay, I didn't say that last sentence out loud...but I was thinking it. :) You suck Walden. People come to your store to buy books, not for your relentless harassment. B. Dalton just gained a new customer today. :)

2005-07-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

Shelley and I attempted to climb up to the Bridal Veil Falls restaurant yesterday, but ultimately had to turn back due to crappy conditions and worsening weather. But, on the way up we saw something I thought was pretty cool. Some crazy fetchers had run a slackline (a piece of webbing stretched across where ever and then tightened) across the top of the upper falls of Bridal Veil. We're talking WAY up there. I took this pic:

It was kinda windy and cloudy, so we never saw any of them actually try to cross on their feet, but they did plenty of this dangly stuff (see in pic) which I guess was kinda fun for them. I think I'd like to try a crazy slackline like that sometime as I pride myself in having an above average balance. Or maybe I don't but just like to think I do. :) I guess we'll set one up sometime and see...

2005-07-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

An interesting thing happened to us on Saturday while we were down in the Lower Black Box in the San Rafael Swell. We were hiking along in the river, passed through some large boulders, turned the corner and noticed something sticking out of the water. My brother was the first to pull it and soon realized it was a backpack strap.

It gave enough resistence, however, that it freaked him out thinking there might be a dead body connected to it, so he quickly dropped the strap. Then I pulled the whole thing out (no dead body - whew) and found a fairly large pack, totally full of stuff, that had been sitting in that river for who knows how long. It had tons of mud all over it and the zippers had gotten silt or sand in them and had totally seized up.

I broke out my leatherman knife and we cut into it, not able to withstand the curiosity about what we might find inside. Well to make a long blog entry short, we found a lot of stuff. The most interesting of which you'll find in this picture:

There was a GPS, camcorder, a pair of binoculars, compass, first aid kit, and a bunch of other stuff as well. I don't know who lost this pack or how, but I'm guessing they were not very happy about it.

We debated what we should do with our find, but ultimately decided to just pack it back up and leave it there for the next group to find...

A Picture Share!

2005-07-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

Nephew Caleb at Fazolis

2005-07-13T23:34:00.000-07:00

I caught some Tour de France coverage tonight and just had a couple quick thoughts...

First, I can't believe how close they let people get to the riders. I mean, they're all along the sides of the road mere inches from the riders as they pass by. What's to keep some disgruntled Frenchie from picking up a stick and jamming into Lance Armstrong's spokes as he rides by?
"C'est NOTRE tour. Yankee pigdog!"

And second...does anyone else find it ironic that you're watching Team Discovery Channel on OLN (Outdoor Life Network)?

Oh, and a bonus thought. :) Will the "Discovery" Channel please change their name to reflect their odd choice of programming? Something like, I don't know...GCN (Goofy Chopper Network). Or...BMD (Bickering Motorcycle Dudes).

Good night now!

2005-07-12T23:33:00.000-07:00

I came home tonight, fired up the tivo and saw that it had recorded some show called "Supersize She". I was a fan of the documentary "Supersize Me", so I decided to check it out. Turns out it was about women's bodybuilding...and I've got to tell ya...that has got to be THE most disturbing thing I think I've ever seen.

These "women" are SO GROSS looking. The obviousness that every last one of them is juiced up out of their minds is on par with, say, the grass being green or the sky being blue. Sorry "ladies"...you can throw on some makeup and do your hair and whatnot, but you still look like freaky dudes with bikini tops.

Dahh, stop it. Go away. Embrace your femininity, it's not too late! :)

The following image may not be suitable for all readers:

2005-07-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we (Mike, Joel, Brent, and I) hiked to the top of South Timpanogos, or Timp's "Second Summit". I'd done Timp's main summit 21 times previously and was looking to switch it up a little bit. Plus, while having slid DOWN the glacier many times, I'd never tried climbing UP it before, which we also did yesterday.

Anyway, the purpose of this post is to lament the fact that I was unable to take a picture with my phone from the top and have it instantly appear on this blog (which I thought would have been pretty cool) because when I reached into my backpack to get it...the STUPID BATTERY WAS DEAD! Doh! So the following pic isn't instantaneous, but at least it's a better quality one, since my phone camera is pretty lousy at best. :)

I overheard the ranger saying that everyone making it to the top had ice axes and crampons. Almost everyone. ;) In hindsight we probably should have had that kind of gear...just haven't gotten around to buying it yet, I guess...

A Picture Share!

2005-07-08T19:03:00.000-07:00

Dougie's birthday

2005-07-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

Just got back Wed. night from our Banff/Jasper trip. Wow, what a place. So many amazing things concentrated into such a relatively small area, you begin to take things for granted. There are peaks and waterfalls around every corner that would be the HIGHLIGHT of most areas.

Not only did we score with the scenery, however, but with the wildlife as well. I saw my first bear while backpacking in Banff, and not some scrawny little black bear, but a full grown grizzly in its natural habitat. I thought that was pretty cool. Here is a taste of some of the wildlife we saw:

From left to right, top to bottom: The grizzly bear near Egypt Lake. Some baby big horn sheep. An...adolecent big horn sheep (little horns). A black bear we saw from the car along the side of the road. An elk. And finally a baby mountain goat (kid) and its mommy losing her winter coat apparently.

I will probably have more to say about Banff/Jasper later...maybe some Canadian idiosyncrasies. :)

Post from Mobile Phone

2005-06-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

banff update - got to denver okay...but gay flight to calgary is delayed 2 hours...sitting here bored out of our minds...oh well, we'll be there soon enough...

A Picture Share!

2005-06-30T19:14:00.000-07:00

Waiting at denver airport - stupid flight delayed...

A Picture Share!

2005-06-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

Bocce at byu

2005-06-29T08:52:00.000-07:00

This has been bugging me. Maybe I'm alone in this opinion, but these stupid "Support Our Troops" magnets are driving me crazy...you know, these:

I think the position of "supporting the troops" is all good and fine. But when you buy one of these bad boys and slap it on the back of your car what are you supporting really? You're supporting the shameless magnet creator who is cashing in on a national sentiment caused by tragic American deaths. Lame. I know, I know, I've seen the "All proceeds of sales go to sending packages to our Troops"...but c'mon. I'll bet most of these things are created in China.

Besides, who DOESN'T support the troops? You might as well slap one on that says "Child Abuse is Bad" or "Crap Tastes Yucky" while you're at it.

Lately I've been seeing cars with TWO magnets on the back. To these people I say...you're DOUBLY stupid. :)

A Picture Share!

2005-06-27T21:12:00.000-07:00

Weiners @ Carol-Lyn's

2005-06-27T14:46:00.000-07:00

A couple quick Yellowstone thoughts while they're on my mind. First, after researching the web for the "must see" attractions, the constant #1 attraction was Old Faithful. Well I'm here to tell you that Old Anticlimax is overrated, overhyped, overcrowded, and over(insert word-of-choice here). I'm not saying you shouldn't go see it, just pluck it from your #1 must-see spot please.

To spice up our OF visit, Mikey had this brilliant idea...which was more difficult to execute than you might imagine, but turned out reasonably well, I thought:

I guess you could say lunch at the Old Faithful cafeteria did not sit well with him. :)

One other thing. If not to see Old Faithful, it is painfully apparent that people come to Yellowstone in hopes of glimpsing some sort of wildlife...but only if they can do it from the side of the road. One car stops, someone gets out with their binoculars or spotting scope, and within seconds 20 more cars stop and mass hysteria ensues. Whether or not there is actually wildlife to see is immaterial. "What is it? A bear???" "I don't know, but it's brown, and it's WAY out there." "Sweet, let me borrow your binocs!"

The best is when you're driving along and see a bunch of cars checking out a herd of Bison (or is it Buffalo?) which are like 2 miles away...only to turn the corner and see 2 or 3 like five feet off the road. Haha. In other words, it's easy to tell who has JUST arrived at the park.

Yellowstone was awesome though. #1 for me: Lower Falls of the Yellowstone River. Both the hike to the brink of the falls, and the Uncle Tom's Trail down the crazy stairs built right on the side of the cliff. #2: The Grand Prismatic Spring. The way the steam rose in different colors, how vivid it was...surreal. Yellowstone is good times!

2005-06-26T22:12:00.000-07:00

Just got home from Yellowstone. Man, what a trip! I'd write more here, but I gotta get pics up, not to mention the new POTW. Look for them hopefully tomorrow...

A Picture Share!

2005-06-22T19:06:00.000-07:00

At Red Robin waiting for food...Dave's birthday.

2005-06-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

So apparently the AFI (American Film Institute - never heard of them before now) has come up with what they consider the top 100 movies lines of all time. I quickly skimmed the list and I recognize probably a little over half of them. Not unexpectedly, the top 20 or so was dominated by movies that came out before your grandparents were born. Never underestimate the power of nostalgia. Frankly, I don't give a damn about most of them. ;)

There were, however, some key snubs which I would like to give their due credit here on my nuevito blog and its vast readership.

"PC Load Letter? What the &!%$ does THAT mean?" - Office Space

"Hudson! This little girl survived longer than that with NO weapons and NO training." "Why don't we put HER in charge?" - Aliens

"I'm sorry I blew up your mom, Ricky" - Better Off Dead

Those were 3 that came to mind. Feel free to add any that you think got snubbed. Here's a link to the top 100 list: http://www.afi.com/tvevents/100years/quotes.aspx#list