I fire up Yahoo's page this morning and in their "In the News" section I see this headline: "Lower income may mean higher stress". Lower income may mean higher stress? Are you kidding me? So let me make sure I have this straight...it took some scientists and who knows how much taxpayer money to determine that it just MIGHT be stressful to find an eviction notice on your door, or to wonder where your next meal will come from?

Unbelievable. I'm guessing the next study's findings will be something like "Scientists have found that having mountains of cash helps to pay bills on time." Pure genius. :)

Is there a bigger broken record on earth than the nightly world news? Particularly when it comes to the Middle East...

"Our top stories tonight: A car bomb explodes in Iraq killing several US marines. Evidence found showing that Iran is trying to develop a nuclear weapon. And there is fighting between the Israelis and Palestinians. All this and more on this day, (insert any day for the past few years), on World News Tonight." (dun dun DUN dun).

Thank goodness for Seinfeld reruns...

As it gets warmer I'm starting to see those dreaded orange barrels and cones all over the place. It's summer road construction time baby!

First let me say...it is what it is. Roads need maintenance, I understand that. But I have a question (gripe) about the way they go about it. I have no first-hand knowledge of how it's all organized, but best I can tell from my personal observations the first meeting of those involved goes something like this:

"It's almost summertime boys, this is our plan of attack. First we're gonna take every single last road project on the schedule for the entire summer and block them ALL off in one shot with our beloved orange barrels and cones. We should be able to do this in, oh, a couple hours. We can't have cars driving willy-nilly over our work areas just anytime they want.

Then, over the course of the next several months, just get to what you can whenever it's convenient for you. I realize our numbers are small, but hey, we have lives. Ideally we'd like to actually finish these projects before winter...but whatever.

Okay, let's get to it. After lunch I mean. Break!"

Here's my proposal for a new way to do it, and I take a page out of the book of ABC's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. They can build an entire house in 7 days. How do they do it? Simple. Lots and lots of man hours in one location.

Would it be so infeasible for them to go around the city doing one project at a time, utilizing every hombre on the payroll, go non-stop until it is finished...and then move on to the next? To me this seems like win-win. Projects are done faster, and at any given time only one piece of the road is blocked off. Can someone please tell me what the matter with this plan is? Thanks!

As gas prices begin their annual summer increase, I couldn't help but notice something today as I took a scenic drive through Provo Canyon. But first...correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a pretty substantial chunk of the price you pay for a gallon of gas taxed for purposes of road maintenance? I'm totally down with that system, by the way. The more you drive on the road, the more you pay towards its upkeep...makes sense.

I couldn't help but question the use of aforementioned funds, however, when I saw the sign "Falling Rock" as I entered the canyon. This sign, a fairly common one actually, has always puzzled me. It's obviously warning you that you are entering an area where rock falls are common. But what exactly are you supposed to do with that knowledge? How does one alter their driving while in a rock fall zone in a way that somehow minimizes the chances of being hit by one? Seems to me if your car gets crunched by some errant boulder, then you are the victim of extremely bad luck, not a consequence of poor driving.

So the question is, since we've established that we're going to use "obvious signage", where do we draw the line? Why not post a sign that says "Lightning Struck Here Once" or maybe "Driving In An Earthquake Is Scary"? OR, how about we eliminate obvious signage altogether and save a penny or two on escalating gas prices? My vote is for the latter...

Since my last post I've probably thought up at least a dozen new gripes. But I always forget what they are when I get an opportunity to write about them. I will try to do better - these things need to be documented! :)

But I did remember one today. Have you noticed how the length of a person's voicemail instructions on their cell phone seems to be getting longer and longer? The notion of voicemail has been around, in essence, since PhoneMate introduced the Model 400 answering machine in 1971. I guess what I'm getting at, 35 years later, is there anyone on the face of our great planet who is capable of placing a phone call but who doesn't understand how to leave a message? You hear the beep, you leave a message, you hang up. Shouldn't the instructions be getting shorter by now? Or better yet, no instructions at all, just the beep?

But for some inexplicable reason a typical greeting, when someone doesn't answer their phone, goes something like this:

"Hello. You have reached the voice mailbox of (person says their name). If you would like to leave a message, please wait for the tone. Now, since you really have no choice but to wait for the tone, we'd like to take this opportunity to give you some useless options. But first, a little about voice mail. Voicemail is a revolutionary idea that allows you to leave a message when someone either is not available, or simply chooses not to answer their phone, which that person is then able to retrieve and listen to at a later time. Pretty neat, huh? You may now press # if you're ready to continue. Did you press it? Just kidding...gotcha! Oh, by the way, press 2 if you'd like to leave a numeric page. Now there's a useful feature. Never mind that your number is automatically recorded on their phone when you call. Plus, no one really wants to know why you're calling, so a primitive numeric page is a nice alternative to an informative voice message. Let's see here, what else before I give you the tone. Oh yeah, if you're you, please press # now for a whole bunch more options. I'll give you an extra 10 seconds to comply. (10 seconds) (beep)."

It's maddening really. All voicemail should work the same. The phone picks up, you have like 1 or 2 seconds to push a special key, such as the # key for any special options, and then there should be the tone...and that's it. No message, no greeting, no nothing. Perhaps someday...(sigh)

There is an old-school video game from the 80's that some of you may remember called "Dragon's Lair". In the game you control Dirk the Daring, a valiant knight on a quest to rescue the fair princess from the clutches of an evil dragon. Here's a screenshot:

The game worked a lot like those old "Choose Your Own Adventure" books -- in each room, you would have a number of obstacles to avoid, usually by simply moving the joystick in one direction or hitting the sword button. One miss-timed or missed move and you suffered one of several heinous deaths built into the game...in which case you had to pony up another 50 cents and start the game over with your newfound knowledge.

The reason I am writing about this game is because I realized the other day that it is a perfect analogy of my dating life. Each new girl is a new game...and each time I flame out miserably by making a "bad move" I chalk it up as a learning experience and try to avoid making the same mistake in the future. And then I suppose "rescuing the fair princess" would be analogous to finally suckering someone into marrying me.

Granted, my dating life is not exactly prolific...but this IS how it kinda feels. :)

PETA is full of whack jobs. It never ceases to amaze me how they repeatedly manage to overshadow their otherwise reasonable message with utterly retarded and wacky stunts. So I was excited when Michelle sent me a newspaper article which stated that "a man and woman will be making out in a bed set up on the sidewalk at Provo's University Avenue and Center Street". I didn't really care what their message was, although I believe it had something to do vegetarians making better lovers or some nonsense...what we were really after was some POTW fodder. Yeah! :) So we grabbed our cameras and headed over there...

You really let us down PETA. That wasn't wacky at ALL. Here's what was touted:

"The couple won't be fully clothed while making out. The man, a former Naval instructor, plans to wear nothing but boxer shorts, and the woman, touted as a 'raven-haired beauty' will be clad in sexy lingerie."

Here's what the article should have read:

"A man and woman will stand around on the corner in their pajamas for about 15 min. looking dumb and really really cold."

For your poor execution, PETA, I guess I'm gonna have to eat two pork chops tonight instead of just one. At least Michelle was able to snap a couple photos with pretty decent POTW potential...here's one of them (see if you recognize the person in the middle ;) ):

It's only a matter of time...so I figured I'd pull some preemptive creativity and beat ABC to the punch:

"One man. 25 men. One will be eliminated each week after a series of fun, exciting and exotic dates that will elicit real and raw emotions. Some lucky men will meet his family, and he will visit their hometowns for a slice of their life in an effort to determine the man with whom he is most compatible. At the end of the journey, he may quite possibly have found true love...

Coming to ABC this fall: The Broke Bachelor!"

:)

Quickie gripe. I have at least a half dozen devices that take three AAA batteries. THREE. What genius engineer thought that up? When's the last time you saw a 3-pack of triple A's for sale? I'm convinced these people are in bed with Duracell and Energizer. Think about it...what better way to get an instant 33% jump in sales than force unorganized folks like myself to by four batteries for a three battery device? Because I can guarantee you that "odd man out" 4th battery will be totally and completely MIA by the time I need new ones. And off I'll go to get another 4 pack. Bastages! :)

Geico has some really bad ads. But this radio spot of theirs I heard this morning was one of the worst ever. I don't know if I really could "save 15% or more by switching"...but ads like these make me REALLY not want to even bother trying.

It went something like this..."The Utah state bird is the Seagull. But Geico has such low rates, people in Utah want to change it to the Gecko...(insert more lameness here)".

What? Huh?

First of all, Geico is not Gecko. It's Geico. It's just some stupid-sounding word they came up with. If you want a gecko to be your mascot, maybe you should change your name to FREAKING GECKO! What's next? A pony playing a Sony Playstation? 'Cause that makes sense, right?

And what on earth does the state bird have to do with car insurance anyway? Dahh, this is so stupid I'm getting all worked up just writing about it. :) Let's assume for just a second that it isn't stupid that they use geckos in their commercials...why not say that the people of Utah want to change the state animal or state reptile or something to the gecko?

And finally, what an incredibly unclever and nonsensical stretch to assume that people would want to change the state anything because of car insurance, cheap or otherwise.

Then it dawned on me...perhaps Geico makes their ads lame for the same reason that "Totally Awesome Computers" and "PC Laptops" are in-your-face obnoxious and annoying. To get your attention, to get you talking about them, write blog entries, etc. I.e., generate buzz. Am I a mere pawn in your grand scheme, Geico?

But then I came to my senses. Your ads suck, Geico, and I'll never buy insurance from you precisely because of them. You lose. :)