The Official Automobile of Utah

I've been dabbling lately in mathematical theory. Specifically, devising formulae which describe Utah drivers and their corresponding automobiles. Here is my latest offering...

Anyone who's been driving on the freeway at night and had some (see above equation) drive up 6 inches from their back bumper with their exactly-eyeball-level 9 trillion candle power headlights scorching their retinas, knows exactly what I mean. :)

iAm iSick of iStuff

I was browsing Amazon.com today for a car mounting kit for the new MP3 player I just bought when I came across the...

iGear iHolder for iPod

This rather unremarkable thing:

iGear iHolder for iPod? What?? I guess I just don't understand the iBastardization of perfectly good words in order to associate one's product with the iPod. Can't you just say "Designed for iPods"? Put a big picture of one on the package?

Unfortunately, I suspect that so long as the iPod is king there is no reprieve in sight. I can only imagine what will be next..."Not able to get to the end of your playlist without collapsing from fatigue? Introducing iFood. Yes, iFood. Fortified with special stamina-prolonging and hearing-enhancing supplements to maximize your iPod listening experience."

But why stop there? How about an Apple flavored iDrink to wash down your heaping bowl of iFood, together with a special iPod earbud-matching straw, aka the iSuck.

Etc., etc., ad iNauseam...

Left turn...left turn...left turn...

I noticed today at my...favorite convenience store...that M&M's are now the official chocolate of NASCAR. Some sign that looked more or less like this:

Not that I much cared for M&M's in the first place, but you've just officially become the chocolate that I most hate. It's called guilty by association. By teaming up with NECKCAR, err, NASCAR, you have officially out-hicked candy the likes of jujubes, or the hoarhound. Misguided NASCAR-love is a fad that will (fingers crossed) someday pass. But my resentment for your selling-out, M&M's, is a flame that will burn eternally.

Except for the peanut butter ones. Damn, those are good! :)

I Love November 1st

Ahh, November 1st. The air is cool and crisp, the sun is shining, and the freakery has retreated back into the dank hole from whence it came for another 11 months. Glorious!

Now, so you don't misunderstand...I don't hate Halloween, like I hate, say, people who torture kittens, or police officers who give me tickets for rolling through stop signs. If society hit the H-ween nonsense hard for like one week (you know, stringing up cobweb all over everything, going Jeffrey Dahmer on vegetables, etc.), I may even be totally down with it. Far be it from me to say what people should and shouldn't do.

BUT, there is an in-your-face threshold where things become annoyingly inescapable. Where simply choosing to ignore is no longer an option. Halloween blows through it like a 6-ton wrecking ball.

Then November 1st rolls around and in a borderline-miraculous instant, it all just vanishes into thin air. More impressive still than the month-long onslaught of paranormal poppycock is the swiftness with which it all just goes away. November 1st is like using your bathroom for the first time after a long overdue cleaning.

Hooray for Nov. 1! :)