The Truth...sort of.

You perhaps have seen one of these "Dear Me" anti-smoking TV commercials that have been running lately:

You know, with the poor addicted smoker guy (or gal) who write themselves a letter about how much smoking has jacked up their lives and how disgusting they've become, etc., and which at the end declares that "no one can make me quit but me."

That is the key phrase, right there...no one can make me quit but me. Only ME. Back off, would be helpers, I'm flying Han Solo in this endeavor!

So, am I the only one who finds it ironic that at the END of the commercial they throw up a screen which reads "Get coaching from someone who can HELP. 1-800-QUIT-NOW."?

"Here's your U.S. Prime beef, ma'am." "Yes, but is it Angus??"

Introducing new ANGUS Third Pounders at McDonald's!

These bad boys aren't made of just any ol' type of beef...oh no. These are made with Angus, baby. ANGUS ANGUS ANGUS! Notice the word in the ad with the largest font. That's right...

ANGUS!!!

Right about now you may be asking yourself, just as I have...what in the world makes Angus so special, anyway? What IS Angus? According to Wikipedia, the bullet-proof authority of everything:

"Angus cattle is a term that refers to two Scottish breeds of cattle. Black Angus refers to the predominant colouring amongst the original Scottish Aberdeen Angus population. Aberdeen Angus is the original name of the breed, which was developed in Scotland from cattle native to the counties Aberdeenshire and Angus.

During the latter part of 2003 and the early part of 2004, the American fast food industry assisted in a public relations campaign to promote the supposedly superior quality of beef produced from Angus cattle ('Angus beef')."

So in other words...it's just a type of cow of "supposedly superior quality". From Scotland. Angus is just the name of a stupid county in Scotland. It would be analogous to plucking a few bovine beauties from over yonder in Roosevelt and touting them in Europe as 100% Grade-A DUCHESNE beef! Not that Aberdeen Angus crap you can get at the local market. DUCHESNE!! Oh yeah.

Methinks we are being duped by McDonald's and the boys. Hitler's right hand man, Joseph Goebbels, said that "If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it." Am I comparing McDonald's to Nazi's? Yes. :) No, I'm not. What I AM saying, however, is all you really need to know about Angus beef...sweet, sweet Angus beef...is that you can GET it at McDonald's.

I wrote this...today.

Sometimes people use words in a sentence that are entirely unnecessary. For example...pretend for a moment that you are at a concession stand, the person behind the counter has just given you what you ordered, and then you hear:

"Would you like any candy today?"

Would I like any candy...today? What?? Do I have the option to put some candy on layaway, and then pick it up during the next event or something?

"Yes, I'd like a large popcorn and medium Diet Coke today, some Red Vines tomorrow...oh, and package of Sour Patch Kids and a box of Milk Duds for...say...next Wednesday, please. Would you like me to pay for this today?"

Pavlov's Audience

What is it about people and their absolute inability to refrain, and with arrogant disregard for etiquette, from inserting those asinine, otherwise-classic-song-destroying, the-desire-to-gouge-out-my-own-eyeballs inducing lines inbetween the phrases of the Christmas song Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

You know what I'm talking about. All the Monopoly and Columbus and light bulb nonsense.

I'm at the SCERA in Orem's production of Plaid Tidings last night, an onstage musical with Christmas songs. And in a moment freakishly reminiscent of Pavlov and his dogs, once the singer on stage busted out that first stanza, all politeness, decency, and consideration went right out the door, and raw instinct took over for these people. And not just kids. Oh no. The inner "special child" in a handful of adults reared its ugly head as well, last night.

Unbelievable. I honestly was floored. I had just witnessed a faux pas double whammy that made me ashamed of my own hometown. About the only way you could possibly be more rude to the other members of the paying audience, not to mention the actors, than by making unsolicited noises mid-production, would be to make these particular noises. What the hell is the matter with people??

Now, if I just happened to have a time machine, and I just happened to go back, say, 10 min. before the originator gave birth to these lyrical abominations, and I just happened to have the crosshairs of a sniper-rifle positioned directly over his skull...I have to be honest...I think I'd waver just a little before deciding to not pull the trigger. :)

The Official Automobile of Utah

I've been dabbling lately in mathematical theory. Specifically, devising formulae which describe Utah drivers and their corresponding automobiles. Here is my latest offering...

Anyone who's been driving on the freeway at night and had some (see above equation) drive up 6 inches from their back bumper with their exactly-eyeball-level 9 trillion candle power headlights scorching their retinas, knows exactly what I mean. :)

iAm iSick of iStuff

I was browsing Amazon.com today for a car mounting kit for the new MP3 player I just bought when I came across the...

iGear iHolder for iPod

This rather unremarkable thing:

iGear iHolder for iPod? What?? I guess I just don't understand the iBastardization of perfectly good words in order to associate one's product with the iPod. Can't you just say "Designed for iPods"? Put a big picture of one on the package?

Unfortunately, I suspect that so long as the iPod is king there is no reprieve in sight. I can only imagine what will be next..."Not able to get to the end of your playlist without collapsing from fatigue? Introducing iFood. Yes, iFood. Fortified with special stamina-prolonging and hearing-enhancing supplements to maximize your iPod listening experience."

But why stop there? How about an Apple flavored iDrink to wash down your heaping bowl of iFood, together with a special iPod earbud-matching straw, aka the iSuck.

Etc., etc., ad iNauseam...

Left turn...left turn...left turn...

I noticed today at my...favorite convenience store...that M&M's are now the official chocolate of NASCAR. Some sign that looked more or less like this:

Not that I much cared for M&M's in the first place, but you've just officially become the chocolate that I most hate. It's called guilty by association. By teaming up with NECKCAR, err, NASCAR, you have officially out-hicked candy the likes of jujubes, or the hoarhound. Misguided NASCAR-love is a fad that will (fingers crossed) someday pass. But my resentment for your selling-out, M&M's, is a flame that will burn eternally.

Except for the peanut butter ones. Damn, those are good! :)

I Love November 1st

Ahh, November 1st. The air is cool and crisp, the sun is shining, and the freakery has retreated back into the dank hole from whence it came for another 11 months. Glorious!

Now, so you don't misunderstand...I don't hate Halloween, like I hate, say, people who torture kittens, or police officers who give me tickets for rolling through stop signs. If society hit the H-ween nonsense hard for like one week (you know, stringing up cobweb all over everything, going Jeffrey Dahmer on vegetables, etc.), I may even be totally down with it. Far be it from me to say what people should and shouldn't do.

BUT, there is an in-your-face threshold where things become annoyingly inescapable. Where simply choosing to ignore is no longer an option. Halloween blows through it like a 6-ton wrecking ball.

Then November 1st rolls around and in a borderline-miraculous instant, it all just vanishes into thin air. More impressive still than the month-long onslaught of paranormal poppycock is the swiftness with which it all just goes away. November 1st is like using your bathroom for the first time after a long overdue cleaning.

Hooray for Nov. 1! :)

Hello Shameless Opportunity, errr, Goodbuy

C'mon Target. I thought you were the good, anti-Walmart. I guess not.

Women are dying of breast cancer. It's a terrible tragedy. So why not come down to your local neighborhood Target and pick up a shiny new set of Breast Cancer Awareness Instant Heat Rollers:

And while you're here, might as well pick up a Breast Cancer Awareness Body Fat Scale, now with special electro tumor-sensing capabilities:

Having some friends over for a Breast Cancer Awareness party? Why not make the night extra special by whipping up a batch of toast? Mmmm. We have the perfect tool for the job:

I think you see my point. :) And that's just the beginning:

Target BCA Stuff

Breast Cancer? Never heard of it...

Enough with the breast cancer awareness already. I am now so acutely aware of this disease that I've begun examinations on myself...and I'm a dude.

Now before you start to go all belligerent on me for taking what is assuredly an unpopular stance, allow me to explain why I feel this way. I realize that it's a serious, deadly disease. And I think raising awareness, if it means early detection and/or prevention, ultimately is a good thing, regardless of the disease.

Where I take issue with this disease, however, is the grossly disproportionate attention it gets relative to other, equally or more deadly diseases. Breast cancer, you may not know, is actually not even the deadliest cancer in women. Lung cancer is. And heart disease kills more than all cancers combined.

But for some reason breast cancer gets its own month (October is breast cancer awareness month - of course it's virtually impossible that you're not already aware of this), its own ridiculously ubiquitous pink ribbon, and apparently now there is a matching pink Lance Armstrong "Live Strong" style bracelet as well. I'm watching the Patriots-Cowboys game yesterday, trying to have some strictly dude time, and who is sporting both of these pink accessories but every single last official on the field. What?? Why are we trying to raise "awareness" in NFL football fans anyway? Isn't the fact that one of the words in the disease's name is "breast" enough in the awareness raising dept. for that crowd?

So to summarize...breast cancer is bad. Awareness and prevention are good. All things pink all over the place all the !&%# time...well, that's just plain gripe-worthy. :)