The Official Automobile of Utah

I've been dabbling lately in mathematical theory. Specifically, devising formulae which describe Utah drivers and their corresponding automobiles. Here is my latest offering...

Anyone who's been driving on the freeway at night and had some (see above equation) drive up 6 inches from their back bumper with their exactly-eyeball-level 9 trillion candle power headlights scorching their retinas, knows exactly what I mean. :)

iAm iSick of iStuff

I was browsing Amazon.com today for a car mounting kit for the new MP3 player I just bought when I came across the...

iGear iHolder for iPod

This rather unremarkable thing:

iGear iHolder for iPod? What?? I guess I just don't understand the iBastardization of perfectly good words in order to associate one's product with the iPod. Can't you just say "Designed for iPods"? Put a big picture of one on the package?

Unfortunately, I suspect that so long as the iPod is king there is no reprieve in sight. I can only imagine what will be next..."Not able to get to the end of your playlist without collapsing from fatigue? Introducing iFood. Yes, iFood. Fortified with special stamina-prolonging and hearing-enhancing supplements to maximize your iPod listening experience."

But why stop there? How about an Apple flavored iDrink to wash down your heaping bowl of iFood, together with a special iPod earbud-matching straw, aka the iSuck.

Etc., etc., ad iNauseam...

Left turn...left turn...left turn...

I noticed today at my...favorite convenience store...that M&M's are now the official chocolate of NASCAR. Some sign that looked more or less like this:

Not that I much cared for M&M's in the first place, but you've just officially become the chocolate that I most hate. It's called guilty by association. By teaming up with NECKCAR, err, NASCAR, you have officially out-hicked candy the likes of jujubes, or the hoarhound. Misguided NASCAR-love is a fad that will (fingers crossed) someday pass. But my resentment for your selling-out, M&M's, is a flame that will burn eternally.

Except for the peanut butter ones. Damn, those are good! :)

I Love November 1st

Ahh, November 1st. The air is cool and crisp, the sun is shining, and the freakery has retreated back into the dank hole from whence it came for another 11 months. Glorious!

Now, so you don't misunderstand...I don't hate Halloween, like I hate, say, people who torture kittens, or police officers who give me tickets for rolling through stop signs. If society hit the H-ween nonsense hard for like one week (you know, stringing up cobweb all over everything, going Jeffrey Dahmer on vegetables, etc.), I may even be totally down with it. Far be it from me to say what people should and shouldn't do.

BUT, there is an in-your-face threshold where things become annoyingly inescapable. Where simply choosing to ignore is no longer an option. Halloween blows through it like a 6-ton wrecking ball.

Then November 1st rolls around and in a borderline-miraculous instant, it all just vanishes into thin air. More impressive still than the month-long onslaught of paranormal poppycock is the swiftness with which it all just goes away. November 1st is like using your bathroom for the first time after a long overdue cleaning.

Hooray for Nov. 1! :)

Hello Shameless Opportunity, errr, Goodbuy

C'mon Target. I thought you were the good, anti-Walmart. I guess not.

Women are dying of breast cancer. It's a terrible tragedy. So why not come down to your local neighborhood Target and pick up a shiny new set of Breast Cancer Awareness Instant Heat Rollers:

And while you're here, might as well pick up a Breast Cancer Awareness Body Fat Scale, now with special electro tumor-sensing capabilities:

Having some friends over for a Breast Cancer Awareness party? Why not make the night extra special by whipping up a batch of toast? Mmmm. We have the perfect tool for the job:

I think you see my point. :) And that's just the beginning:

Target BCA Stuff

Breast Cancer? Never heard of it...

Enough with the breast cancer awareness already. I am now so acutely aware of this disease that I've begun examinations on myself...and I'm a dude.

Now before you start to go all belligerent on me for taking what is assuredly an unpopular stance, allow me to explain why I feel this way. I realize that it's a serious, deadly disease. And I think raising awareness, if it means early detection and/or prevention, ultimately is a good thing, regardless of the disease.

Where I take issue with this disease, however, is the grossly disproportionate attention it gets relative to other, equally or more deadly diseases. Breast cancer, you may not know, is actually not even the deadliest cancer in women. Lung cancer is. And heart disease kills more than all cancers combined.

But for some reason breast cancer gets its own month (October is breast cancer awareness month - of course it's virtually impossible that you're not already aware of this), its own ridiculously ubiquitous pink ribbon, and apparently now there is a matching pink Lance Armstrong "Live Strong" style bracelet as well. I'm watching the Patriots-Cowboys game yesterday, trying to have some strictly dude time, and who is sporting both of these pink accessories but every single last official on the field. What?? Why are we trying to raise "awareness" in NFL football fans anyway? Isn't the fact that one of the words in the disease's name is "breast" enough in the awareness raising dept. for that crowd?

So to summarize...breast cancer is bad. Awareness and prevention are good. All things pink all over the place all the !&%# time...well, that's just plain gripe-worthy. :)

Butter is fattening? I had no idea...

In the news today: "Supermarket shoppers may soon be cruising the aisles with 'intelligent' shopping carts that warn them if they're buying too much junk food, technology experts say."

Article

(shaking head)

I don't really even need to comment on this, do I? No. But of course you know I will. :) What an outstanding example of using technology to better our lives. I can't wait for this thing's sister product, an "intelligent" device that you wear around your waist that warns you when you've consumed too much junk food. It utilizes the latest in ultra-high-tech, a device also commonly known as the tape measure. With tools of this caliber at our disposal, America's obesity problem should soon be a thing of the past.

"Bob, wow, you look great. It looks like you've lost 100 lbs...what's your secret?"

"It's this new shopping cart, it's amazing! Turns out three sticks of butter doused in ranch dressing, a quart of half & half, and a King Size Snickers bar is considered an unhealthy meal. Watch as I put them in the cart. (beep beep beep). Who knew?"

America's Next Karen Carpenter

I'm at the gym waiting for a machine to open up. Finally one does, I hop on, and the girl next to me says, "I hope you don't mind watching 'girl stuff' for 5 min." The girl stuff she was referring to, apparently, was the show America's Next Top Model, on the always cerebral, two-failed-network-collaboration, aka The CW.

So I watch for awhile. I try not to judge a book by its cover. I like to...you know...skim the back cover, maybe a paragraph or two from the prologue, and then judge it. True to the girl's word, she left 5 min. later, and I turned the TV to something a little more...masculine: "Dancing with the Stars". :) J/K.

In any event, yes, it was only 5 min., but I gotta tell you...I don't get this Top Model thing AT ALL. I think I get model-hood in general. An ugly chick, after all, sells little by way of clothes and makeup. A blunt way of putting it, I suppose, but that's pretty much the gist of the industry. But where do these so-called top models fit into the equation? You've got this physical attractiveness spectrum, ranging from sweet spirit/Cinnabon frequenter to smokin' hot/anatomically correct, upon which you can place any given girl. It's elegant. It makes sense. But then, for some reason at the "hot" end of the spectrum they make this crazy, inexplicable turn and veer into a very bizarre place. What, exactly, is "top" about these models? I believe the term they like to use is "exotic", but to me...they're just weird looking. And when I say I like my women curvy, I ain't talking about the curve between every rib. For you He-Man fans out there, let me put it this way. Teela good. Skeletor...bad.

Here's a little taste from their official website:



What the crap is this all about?? :) Yeah baby, nothing screams "sexy" like biking shorts, grandma's orange afghan, big hair, raccoon makeup, and pretend rock-climbing. (wiping up drool) If only she were 20 lbs. lighter. A shame. Oh well there's always next season. ;)

Le Hideous

I had this crazy dream the other night. I dreamt (this is proper usage, I looked it up) that a company actually commissioned me to design the ugliest, gaudiest, most obnoxiously amateur paint job for their fleet of passenger buses. So I obliged. And after several iterations of increasingly unsightly candidates, I finally settled on the ultimate in fugly. I give you...Le Bus!





"But Lane," you ask, "why on Earth would you create such a thing, and do you really expect people to pay to ride in it??" Relax...it was just a dream.

Oh wait, no it wasn't. :)

Come to Zion, Come to Zion

Because it's a great place. It is THE place, despite what Brigham Young said, as far as I'm concerned. Which is what has compelled me to write this entry. There is about a 98% chance that you, loyal reader, also make the following mistake, so this entry probably will not be a popular one. But that's okay because something needs to be said...

Let's cut to the chase. It's not "Zion's National Park". Nor is it "Zion's". Zion ain't a person, and he doesn't own the park. IT'S JUST ZION.

Z I O N period.

But don't just take my word for it, take a good long gander at the actual park sign:



See the apostrophe and the "S" after Zion? Yeah, me neither. Now, that said, see if you can identify what's wrong with the following sentence:

"We're going to go on a National Park tour. We'll start at Yellowstone's, then hit the Grand Canyon's, Yosemite's, Bryce's, Capitol Reef's...and end at Zion's."

(choose your own adventure blog, ala those books way back in the day):

If you identified 5 errors please go to the beginning of this entry. If you identified 6, please continue to the follow paragraph.

Congratulations, your comprehension skills are most impressive. The End.